Why are the rich so friggin unhappy?

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Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

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Made after doomsday plans

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Eat my shed skin from a sunburn

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When i close the refrigiator door, i re-open it and give it a good shove to make sure it tight.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

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turn off the tv by accident and then turn it on only to find that it takes forever to work again

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After brushing my teeth I used to suck the water from it

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I giggle in my head when anyone says duty.

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When im standing at a urinal and another guy was there before me and i still finish first i pretend like im still peeing so he wont think i have a bladder problem.

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When I'm reading a book and I come to a word that is long or difficult to pronounce every time I come to that word again I pronounce it 'manamanam'.

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When I'm riding passenger in a car, things I'm driving past will be a part of my imaginary drum kit. When a car passes in the opposite direction, I'll tap my right foot as the bass drum, a drain hole along the gutter is my left hand snare, and the street signs and lights are the hi-hats in my right hand.

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Check the lint filter on the dryer every time I walk into the laundry room.

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When I'm home alone at night, and the lights are on so you can't see anything out the windows, I will stop randomly and stare out the window to make anyone watching me think I know that they are there.

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Sneeze for a few minutes when I've eaten too much.

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If I'm trying to read a clock or bulletin from far away, I instinctively stand and point at it.

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Listen to the same songs for years on end without ever knowing the lyrics because they've been the soundtracks for your daydreams.

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Turn volume down on iPod or tv, then turn up one bar to make it seem like it's still loud.

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You feel like someone can read your mind so you try not to think about stupid stuff.

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resting your head from your face to your hand and then you realize you face now looks disfigured.

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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When the wind is blowing like crazy, I pretend I am the god who controls it.

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I love the tingly feeling you get when youve shifted after realizing you arm, leg, hand, etc. has gone numb. am i the only one?

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.