think up the funniest jokes right before i go to sleep and cant think of them the next day

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I can only brush my teeth at exactly 7:43 AM...Am I weird?

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Wish you could delete a post if it gets thumbs down

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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when you are at home doing something then all of a sudden you imagine how you would take down a killer if he came into your home right now. just me?

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filling your mouth with water in the shower and spitting it at the wall.

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Sometimes I walk around town and watch peoples TVs through their windows. When they see me and confront me, I try to get a conversation about the show going.

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I only EVER take my watch off if I need tto put on big gloves, like cricket gloves.

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Think something you shouldn't about someone, stop thinking about it in case they read your mind, and then, as an added precaution, think "I know you listening".

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I piss in the bed every night

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When someone is really, really angry is telling me their story, I keep a straight face but I can't help mentally laughing my ass off because of their weird facial expressions. Sorry.

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I feel strange when I look at someone and think ''This person has had sex''

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pretend you have a fishing pole and are reeling in cars to pass them when your in the passengers seat going down the freeway.

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Blink and pretend that you just took a picture with your eyes.

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Sometimes I think of doing really bad things and smirk, only to later regret even thinking of it and start questioning myself while feeling bad about it.

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Multi task while your brushing your teeth and forget you have a tooth brush in your mouth.

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Try to acomplish getting the rest of your meal reaady before the microwave timer goes off.

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sometimes when i'm talking to myself and someone walks in the room i have to make them believe what i'm saying is a song!!

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I try to sympathize when some celebrity butthole has problems but, I can't.

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Try to time the traffic light so that when I snap, my light turns green. Always so so close.

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cussing someone out on a video game only to realize that your mic is off

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After peeling an apple, I will put the apple in a zip-lock and hold it through the plastic so my hands won't get sticky while I eat it.

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when you are you a self flushing urinal/toilet you think it is a tiny camera and think someone is watching you so you rush to finish using the bathroom

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Wait until my significant other is in shower and then let loose the longest, loudest fart that's been building in me all night and pray it's muffled by the mattress and the covers.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.