try and open the microwave right before it finishes.

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I have shown up for a first date in a friends POS car instead of my own to see if she is too materialistic

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getting really nervous about random white vans that drive by you.

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I Masturbate Daily.

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sometimes when i see a cop cruising around i try and act suspicious to see if they pull me over.

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When im alone i rub myself in vasaline and pretend that im a slug on the kitchen floor.

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Whenever I think of something creative or weird, I always wonder if someone thought of the same thing.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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don't wash my hands after using the toilet because its a waste of time

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Feeling very uncomfortable for days, untill your motivation finally reaches that point when you start learning for the exam.

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Cover the built in webcam on my laptop when I'm using it with a folded piece of paper just in case

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I use my magic powers to give shaddy politicians their comeuppance (I don't have any magic powers lol)

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When you look in the mirror, and it ruins your whole day.

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I was the real Stig...

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laugh whenever I see an infomercial where the hosts glorify their products to the point where it seems like they have found Jesus it is hilarious.

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Use the massaging shower head on my anus to power blast the poop plaque away

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Sometimes I wonder if my life is a dream and oneday I'll wake up as a newborn baby

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After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

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Start the shower so no one hears you shit bricks

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Constantly hearing your name in public and asking "did you just hear my name?"

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Chewing your chips softer so you can hear the tv

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Watch a familiar movie, and then freak out when you see a suspensful part, only to later realize that there was no point in getting worked up since you already know what happens.

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When I'm home alone, I start hearing random noises and think someone is breaking in.

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it is not disgusting to bite your toe nails, it is a skill

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.