sometimes when i wipe my nose a booger will get on my hand then ill get to lazy to get it off and wipe it under my chair.

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i answer "why" to questions and then when someone gets pissed i say "when" Hey Jim, how's Mary? Why? Because she's your sister and I care about you. Why? Because you're my best friend. Why? STOP IT! When?

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Go through a bunch of the boxes with the messed up letters (The ones making sure your not a robot) trying to find one you like. Then, click the refresh button and realize that the last one might have been the best one you were going to get.

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You see someone do something cool and imagine doing it in front of all your friends

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I get mad at women because they menstruate and that's gross. I don't judge one woman individually for it, but I'm disgusted with the whole gender, which leads to being almost disgusted with myself for being attracted to them.

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I have just one thing to say to all the women who look at me as a sex object. Hey.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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You are thinking of really awkward moments that happened earlier in the day so then you subconsciously say a bunch of random things quickly out loud to get the thought of the awkward moment out of your head.

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I was the real Stig...

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When dunking oreos I like to hold it under the milk and watch the bubbles til they stop

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laugh whenever I see an infomercial where the hosts glorify their products to the point where it seems like they have found Jesus it is hilarious.

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I like to go out without shoes on hot days and play the floor is lava

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Trying to do things before the microwave beeps .

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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Pretend my ski pole is a gun while I'm on the chair lift. Or just any object around when I'm not skiing.

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Make fun of someone for something. Then realize you do the same thing

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get under the covers and curl up into a ball to get warm really fast

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Sometimes I feel that my reflection in the mirror will stop doing what I'm doing and either jump out and grab me, start telling me about her reflected life, or give me a mission to free her from her mirror life.

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Still sitting on the toilet 20 minutes after you're done crapping... you're not alone.. -Professor.

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.don't congratulate someone on facebook until someone other does, because maybe it's a fail.

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Sometimes I'll think about something that's so weird nobody would ever do it, and then i figure there's a big chance somebody did it at least once in history.

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When you cringe as you walk out of a store because you're paranoid the door will beep...

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Realized with 7 billion people, there is a chance that someone else on earth is doing exactly the same thing as me at any given time.

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Feeling sorry for objects to throw away!! Haha anyone els?

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.