Cheak the fridge every 5 minuets waiting for food to just "magicly" appear

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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I talk through my teeth when i am talking to my pets.

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when you pick up something you think is going to be heavy and its like you suddenly have super strength

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while you put your t-shirt on, you get frightened that someone's watching you behind your shirt so you try to put it on as soon as possible.

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When i think about something hilarious that happened previously and laugh about it days later at the most innappropriate time.

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Vigorously scratch my head over a black surface and watch the dandruff fall like snowflakes....then eat it.

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

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I Masturbate Daily.

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YEET! TURN UP! KEEP IT ONEHUNNIT DADDY!! YAS GAGA YASS!! SIGN ME UP FOR THAT!! PU$$Y ON FLEEK!! PULLOUT GAME STRONG! LARRY IS REAL!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH!! IMMA REAL G! HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!! I SAID HA! BITCH WHERE??? GIVE ME SOME ASS!! WHAT ARE THOOOSE!!! WHERE THEY AT THO?! BITCH BETTA HAVE MUH MONEY! FCK HER RIGHT IN THE PSSY! EAT THAT BOOTY LIKE GROCERIES!!!!! SURFBOARD! IM NOT GAY NO MORE! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES?!! QUEEN! SLAY!

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I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

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Slowly close the fridge door to see when the light bulb turns off.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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Whenever Terminator 2 is on tv, I become enthralled and can't stop watching even though I've seen it a million times.

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Sometimes I wonder why I smell even though I remember putting DO on. I become embarrassed because there is a girl next to me. I hope she cannot smell it. Finally I realize its not me. It's her.

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only drink milk from a freshly opened carton

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I gotta get down of Friday

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I hum the MLP:FIM theme and hope no one recognizes the tune.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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Never step on manholes, because I'm afraid to fall in.

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I have minions that do what I want because pleasing me makes them happy. Moral: I control, the way you move, how do you like my grove zerg dude?

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I always have trouble leaving a airplanes lavatory I never get the door open

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eat the muffin bottom because it isn't as good as the top and i want to get it over with

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.