Vigorously scratch my head over a black surface and watch the dandruff fall like snowflakes....then eat it.

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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I Masturbate Daily.

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Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

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YEET! TURN UP! KEEP IT ONEHUNNIT DADDY!! YAS GAGA YASS!! SIGN ME UP FOR THAT!! PU$$Y ON FLEEK!! PULLOUT GAME STRONG! LARRY IS REAL!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH!! IMMA REAL G! HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!! I SAID HA! BITCH WHERE??? GIVE ME SOME ASS!! WHAT ARE THOOOSE!!! WHERE THEY AT THO?! BITCH BETTA HAVE MUH MONEY! FCK HER RIGHT IN THE PSSY! EAT THAT BOOTY LIKE GROCERIES!!!!! SURFBOARD! IM NOT GAY NO MORE! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES?!! QUEEN! SLAY!

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I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

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Slowly close the fridge door to see when the light bulb turns off.

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Whenever Terminator 2 is on tv, I become enthralled and can't stop watching even though I've seen it a million times.

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I gotta get down of Friday

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only drink milk from a freshly opened carton

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Sometimes I wonder why I smell even though I remember putting DO on. I become embarrassed because there is a girl next to me. I hope she cannot smell it. Finally I realize its not me. It's her.

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I hum the MLP:FIM theme and hope no one recognizes the tune.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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Never step on manholes, because I'm afraid to fall in.

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I have minions that do what I want because pleasing me makes them happy. Moral: I control, the way you move, how do you like my grove zerg dude?

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I always have trouble leaving a airplanes lavatory I never get the door open

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Always have your feet under the cover, and if not, you think that something will get you.

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eat the muffin bottom because it isn't as good as the top and i want to get it over with

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Pretend I'm a back-up dancer or singing a duet with the singer of the song I'm listening to.

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Leave the fan on at night just in case you feel to warm.

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Thinking epic thoughts like "Man, had a great workout today" just in case someone is reading my mind.

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Go to bed with my left nostril clogged, wake up with my right nostril clogged.

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I'm in the middle of a good dream but I wake up and try to go back to sleep to finish it when it never happens.

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i feel all weird and sad when i thing about my old belongings.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.