Put the porn sound in a really low volume even when you have headphones, just to make sure noone can hear it. Then take off the headphones once in a while to check if it sounds too loud.

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I have memorized my drivers license registration number

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When i think about something hilarious that happened previously and laugh about it days later at the most innappropriate time.

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Read the time on your watch, then after a few minutes, read it again because you forgot it.

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Inspect the shower, bath or toilet, then washing it until you believe it is suitable to use.

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Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

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k. everyone

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Imagine myself going back in time and giving my friends and family little hints on how their life will pan out.

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i see things on this site and am secretly glad im not weird like everyone else

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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I hate it when people assume I'm smart just because I don't speak much and I wear glasses.

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I wake up right before the "sexy" part happens...

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After getting up from the grass, I use my foot to move the grass I was sitting on around so that there isn't a butt print in the grass.

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Sometimes I blow my nose on yesterday's socks because it is the closest thing to the bed in the morning and I'm too lazy to get up and go for a tissue. O_o

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click your pen off of your desk and make it hop in the air

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Sometimes I wait a long time to pee when I really have to go. It feels good.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

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Always have your feet under the cover, and if not, you think that something will get you.

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Pretend my ski pole is a gun while I'm on the chair lift. Or just any object around when I'm not skiing.

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Go for a 10 mile run.

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When you are almost crying while laughing in a silent area, you have to think terrible thoughts just to get rid of the laughing.

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I sleep in my underpants every single night

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Analyzing what could be wrong or false about your religion and God, then shooing the thoughts away in fear you won't get into Heaven.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.