When I go to bed, I imagine how I would deal with intruders, then I can't sleep.

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spank it during my commute if I am in traffic

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Look at the least popular comments just out of interest

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Every time I miss a gree light by just a couple seconds, I think to myself, "Maybe if I had made that light an out of control semi would be slamming into my car right at this moment." Thank you red light.

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thinking that everybody in the world (except me) has a device which shows them what i am doing, watching and makes them feel what i am feeling

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Press cancel on your toaster before it finishes so that you can eat faster

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I never side with the majority (if given a choice.)

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Get excited when the captcha says something related to whatever you're posting

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Look at my poop before flushing

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When at someone else's house, trying to use the bathroom, keep a very close eye on the door just to make sure nobody's gonna walk in on you...

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Think about having sex with the dog. You wouldn't, but what if you did?

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I always feel chinese accents are unintelligent.

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When reading something on the internet highlighting the words, they don't even have to be what you'r reading just highlighting large sections of the article at random.

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I hate being called "buddy".

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When at a red you watch the light real close and as soon as it turns green you try to beat the other cars to the other side of intersection

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Still record on VHS tapes.

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call someone by a siblings name.

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Sometimes if I am by myself at the house or in the car I will act completely insane and absurd. This usually involves me screaming incoherent babble, whole body twitching, making absurd faces and doing this thing where I bite my tongue and shake my head violently. If any normal person saw me they would either think I am having a seizure or currently possessed by Satan.

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Moisturize "down there" after a really drying wipe session.

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Pretending not to hear someone talk to you hoping they wont care enough to repeat themselves so you wont have to talk to them

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Sitting on the toilet and feel devastated I forgot my smartphone and then spending the rest of my time on the toilet thinking about how boring it is without my smartphone.

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Don't make a sound when sitting in the stall and someone walks in; and in turn, don't say anything to the person in the stall even if you know who it is!

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When a stripper sucks you so hard that the tip of your penis gets circumcised

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I chew around the center of carrots.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.