I masturbate with sandpaper

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fall asleep in the shower.

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Hit the off button on the microwave three times to simulate the sound it makes when time is up.

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Vote for the other guy

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Trying not to fart when laughing is challenging.

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Whenever I'm in the shower, I never close my eyes because I think someones gonna kill me

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Take advantage of loud traffic to fart really hard.

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When serving grilled steak, I always make sure I get the best one.

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Having the tv on always, just for background noise. Doesn't work with a computer/laptop, must be the tv.

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after you've been in a fight i usually think up some epic move i could've done instead.

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I think of doing something productive, but can't work up the motivation and end up on the internet instead.

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I wonder why the word ISLAND has an "S" in it?

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When I go to bed, I imagine how I would deal with intruders, then I can't sleep.

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Every time I miss a gree light by just a couple seconds, I think to myself, "Maybe if I had made that light an out of control semi would be slamming into my car right at this moment." Thank you red light.

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I don't like just killing bugs in my home so what I do is I would catch them in a tissue and flush them down my toilet

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when in the car with just one parent i get very cautious about what im thinking cuz i feel like they r reading my mind

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thinking that everybody in the world (except me) has a device which shows them what i am doing, watching and makes them feel what i am feeling

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Get excited when the captcha says something related to whatever you're posting

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Imagine that other people can see what im doing, then try to act differently.

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pick nose in car and realize people can see you when stopped at a red light

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Play as both sides on fifa

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Scratch my asshole and always judge it to be okay to continue my day, no matter how bad the smell.

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My dreams are almost always bizarre in some way - the only time they're ever normal is when they're the premonition type, and then they're about completely uneventful things but accurate down to the tiniest detail.

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Whenever someone dies I try to guess who will die next so I wont be as shocked

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.