I say my first name every night before I go to sleep because I want it to be the last thing I say before I die.

thumb_up thumb_down -147

Have a fantasy where Jesus Christ is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart while Garth Brooks gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum.

thumb_up thumb_down -49

Sometimes I think of doing really bad things and smirk, only to later regret even thinking of it and start questioning myself while feeling bad about it.

thumb_up thumb_down -11

start telling someone a story and then realize that i would only be funny if they actually saw it.

thumb_up thumb_down -57

When the hero of a movie is drowning I hold my breath to see if I would survive.

thumb_up thumb_down +1,097

When someone wants to kill a bug, I'll get insane and catch the bug, then run out and release the bug while saying "NOW YOU'RE FREE!!!!!"

thumb_up thumb_down -85

Whenever I drop food on the floor I get my dog to come clean it for me

thumb_up thumb_down -13

When I'm driving through traffic lights that are green, I use my psychic powers to make them change so no one behind me gets through.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

See a news article that looks interesting, too lazy to read the whole thing. Skim.

thumb_up thumb_down -66

When I walk into the bathroom and the lid of toilet is closed, I always get slightly nervous to lift it up and see into the toilet. I'm always thinking there'll be something disgusting or scary in there.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

I sometimes feel the desire to grab something fragile and - not out of anger, just because it would be funny - hurl it across the room to watch it explode.

thumb_up thumb_down -48

I say that girl's name I have a crush on right before I go to sleep because I want her to be the last thing I think about, and then wake up realizing that it was super creepy... Only to do it again the next night

thumb_up thumb_down -42

That awkward moment when you thought the other person opened the door for you to go in first, when it was actually for that person.

thumb_up thumb_down +17

When I step on something pokey, I don't say the quick "OW" that is expected, I go the extra syllable and a say "JOW!"

thumb_up thumb_down -23

Always have your feet under the cover, and if not, you think that something will get you.

thumb_up thumb_down -120

Whenever I'm in the shower, I never close my eyes because I think someones gonna kill me

thumb_up thumb_down -62

Think that If I leave a big knife out on the counter- or a pair of tights/belt/scarf out in view, I believe that ultimately someone will break in and kill me via the aforementioned items.................and I will only have myself to blame.

thumb_up thumb_down -75

Turning on the dryers in the bathroom so no one will hear you peeing

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Watching movies about couples with age gaps and woundering how it would feel like to be with somebody much older (or younger) than you. Would they use viagra or would you not even try to have sex with someone so old and delicate?

thumb_up thumb_down -91

Still record on VHS tapes.

thumb_up thumb_down -40

Never step on manholes, because I'm afraid to fall in.

thumb_up thumb_down -101

wondering if everyone else in the world can read your mind so you avoid thinking about specific things

thumb_up thumb_down +45

Receiving or finding something cool in your dream, then waking up thinking you have it and realize you don't.

thumb_up thumb_down +157

When my cat follows me, I pretend we're a pack or some sort of gang and i would be the leader.

thumb_up thumb_down -50

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.