I masturbate evenly with both hands so that my penis doesn't become crooked.

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I love touching, squeezing and occasionally biting my dog's (read: any dog's) muzzle. I love the texture and the gummy-ness. I also love how pissed he gets when I do it and sneezes after.

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Still sitting on the toilet 20 minutes after you're done crapping... you're not alone.. -Professor.

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You're taking a poo, and you're bored. You use your thighs as drums to pass the time.

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I worry because I keep wondering why I worry.

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whale sperm

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When I see a typo ANYWHERE, I feel compelled to correct it, even if there is no possible way for me to correct it

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in the morning when you wake up and take a shower you make weird faces to stretch out and "warm up" your face for the day

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If there's leaves on the ground and the wind picks it up and makes like swirls I put my arms out to make it seem I'm controlling the swirls.

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I have always belived that I invented calling Target " Tar- jhay"

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When you are reading a book and find that you are narrating the words you read in the book, to yourself. You feel weird, so you try to stop doing this by reading further or focusing more on the book.

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everytime i see a jet stream in the air i pretend that i can shoot a missile with my finger tip that is self guided and tracks down the airplane that made that certain jet stream.

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Think something you shouldn't about someone, stop thinking about it in case they read your mind, and then, as an added precaution, think "I know you listening".

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Lie in bed and wonder what happens whe you die, get depressed and come on this site for reassurance

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When I'm home alone I open random doors to make sure nobodys there

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Sneeze for a few minutes when I've eaten too much.

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as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

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I say that girl's name I have a crush on right before I go to sleep because I want her to be the last thing I think about, and then wake up realizing that it was super creepy... Only to do it again the next night

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The only time I seem to look at the clock is when the numbers read my birth date.

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I'll sing nice and loud in the shower and wonder why I haven't come out with an album yet

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Math tests-doing all the work for a problem only to find out my answer is not any of the multiple choices.

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Check your analog watch, wait for it to strike a minute, then look away and try to count 60 seconds out in your head before you look again. However many seconds you were away is your new record.

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I Think people can read my mind....."if you can read my mind nod your head or don't if you don't want me to know that you can" It doesn't work either way but yeah thats just me lol

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I post morals under every one of my new comments. Moral: Duh, I am moral man ffs! What do you expect! Its awesome! If things go at this phase I will be a celebrity in... hmm... in never!

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.