Unable to be near my cat without petting her or talking to her.

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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I like to food shop between midnight and 5 am

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I eat ass

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Wipe drink can with shirt after someone (mainly father) has had a sip.

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I make weird crazy faces at myself in the mirror whenever I leave the bathroom.

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when i'm at the computer i say out of loud what i'm typing

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Inspect the mirrors in store changing rooms in case they are one-way glass. Make faces into mirror as if you know they're back there.

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Being afraid to close your eyes when you're washing your hair in the shower because you think a murderer will be right there when you open your eyes again. That or Scared to shower when your home alone at night.

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I pee in the sink so i don't have to aim

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Open the microwave door exactly when your food ends.

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

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Sometimes when im in my bed and trying to fall asleep, i don´t want to open my eyes in case there is a murderer standing before my bed.

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When in a public bathroom, flush the toilet right before your shit falls into the water, so no one will hear.

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Laugh softly when you hear someone else cry

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Think of a bunch of "things you think only you do" after you leave the site

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I wonder what would happen if time froze and only I could move. I think about all the things I could do.

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get really embarrassed when i leave the book i read when i poop on the bathroom counter and someone uses the bathroom.

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See a ridiculously hot girl and wonder to myself "who is the guy who gets to have sex with her. And why does she like him?" As if that can help me bag an equally hotter girl.

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Sometimes when walking, accidently fart and then try to squeak my to sound like my shoes squeaked instead of me farting.

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Give vocal commentary on the song I just played when I'm the only one in the car.

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I never look out the window at night because I'm afraid there will be an Alien staring at me when I move the curtains.

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Mix up "I'm starving," "I'm freezing," and "I have to pee," in my head, and then say them out loud the wrong way, in times of extreme starving/freezing/needing-to-pee desperation.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.