Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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I somtimes think about what I would o if I had a wish and I go into a lot of detail about it in my head and then realize it will never actually happen

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whenever I see those commercials where there is two people talking to each other but they constantly look at me it really irritates me

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I eat one way in public and another way in private.

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the time where you sit behind a person that smells like BO badly!!!

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Remove all the stupid gobbldegook words that the captchas from this site add to my predictive text.

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recycle the peanuts in my poop to make organic peanut butter

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I will look up the definition of a word in a text message before I use it just incase I'm using it in the wrong context.

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I think SpongeBob and Patrick are rude, inconsiderate a_holes. ... That's right, I'm an adult and I watch SpongeBob. lol

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....you're high and you think you write complete bullshit?

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Opening the fridge door, then trying to accomplish pouring a drink, before the door seals itself forever leaving the cola to the mercy of the outside world.

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my favorite singer is Bles Bridges 22/07/1947-24/03/2000

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When you are outside, you see a small shadow moving across the ground. You think it's a ball someone threw, so you look up to catch it, only to realize it is a bird.

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I never look out the window at night because I'm afraid there will be an Alien staring at me when I move the curtains.

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When I walk the streets after getting a new haircut, I think everybody's staring at me and thinking "oh my god she got a new haircut" eventhough they didn't know me before.

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Pee in the shower

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Go to bed with my left nostril clogged, wake up with my right nostril clogged.

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Pretend I'm much more popular than I am with people who don't know my social life.

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I fill my bathtub up with marinara and then sit curled up in it and pretend that I am a meatball.

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I have to put the radio volume in multiples of three and my daughter has to put it in multiples of five so when we are together it either has to be on 15 or 30.

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I act as though I've had movie cameras placed in my eyes and a bunch of people will watch my life as a movie at some point. And so I do a narration voice for them.

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Lightly touching your stomach or other body parts with your fingers to get that tickling sensation.

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Too lazy to exercise. Think to self "I'm gonna work out tomorrow." - instantly feel better about self. Still didn't exercise.

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Being able to think about great ideas for the world, but not being able to get a math problem done.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.