I masturbate evenly with both hands so that my penis doesn't become crooked.

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When I hear the doorbell ringing and I'm not expecting anyone, I turn off the tv/music and try not to make any sound, so they think there's no one home.

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Trying to recreate all facial expressions of people on television, even animated ones!

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Saying "ouch!" when someone throws something and it hits an inanimate object.. -Sarah

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when someone is talking about something i have no idea of and then asked me if i agree I'm like: oh yes! and then promptly changing subject so they won't find out

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When taking a shit, I get freaked out in case I get teleported to a place with lots of people by a scientist from the future or something.

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I sit on the toilet and pretend to tell someone about how awesome my life is when it isn't.

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I twist my pubes into little spikes when I pee.

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Open the microwave at 1 second left to pretend you're on a bomb squad.

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I like wet humping better than f*cking. but sometimes it slips in anyway, and it's that's pretty enjoyable too. and mt girlfriend is cool with. ... so it's actualy pretty whatevs either way. but wet humping is my jam.

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Eat the last bowl of ice cream. Then 6 hours later, you wish you hadn't. (sometimes even open the fridge and check whether you actually ate it or not)

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I think some songs would be better if they didn't put a rap in with them

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try to give your friends spirit animals

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when i eat, i sometimes switch which side of my mouth i chew my food with to even it out.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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when someone asks you to not listen to they conversation and your listening to music at the same time, in the same room and when they have that conversation, you pretend to listen to your music.

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I don't read the terms of service.

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Every time I open a door, I shout out "Alohamora!" and then I open it.

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I am such a coward. When I'm going to have an argument or complain to someone, I think of the beat ever retort, but when it comes down to it I say "why are you so mean" or " why don't you just leave me alone for once" or something like that. ( Yes I get picked on, cos I'm the smartest in our class)

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Pee while setting down even if your a dude.

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I avoid closing my eyes in the shower in case ghosts/monsters/zombies get me.

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I used to do almost everything an even number of times because I thought that if I didn't something bad would happen.

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Always think "what if ghosts really ARE everywhere?" when I'm naked in the shower, or getting dressed, or any other private and/or embarrassing moment. Then get really freaked out and picture 6 people from 1902 watching you.

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I worry because I keep wondering why I worry.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.