Waking up @ 4 AM wondering where your pillow went

thumb_up thumb_down -39

Lay down in bed and close my eyes and pretend that the bed is slowly levitating towards the ceiling. When I open my eyes, the bed is back on the ground.

thumb_up thumb_down -57

When at someone else's house, trying to use the bathroom, keep a very close eye on the door just to make sure nobody's gonna walk in on you...

thumb_up thumb_down -29

Pretending you don't know that much about something because other people might think it would be wierd if you did. Ex: if you you knew someone's exact birthdate and you were discussing it with some one and you where like ya he looks a little older he's probably in his mid 40s or early 50s instead of just admitting you know there exact age.

thumb_up thumb_down -104

before going to a party, i rehearse the conversations i expect to have with the people who will be there (even though those conversations never actually happent)

thumb_up thumb_down +862

For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Every time I go in a bathroom I have to look behind the shower curtain.

thumb_up thumb_down +901

Try to give my download speed moral support: "You can do it! YES, just stay there!" For anyone out there struggling with slow internet.. I feel your pain

thumb_up thumb_down -79

If a donkey and a angle fish where to pro create what would be the out come? They can't mate a donkeys a mammal and a angle fish is a fish

thumb_up thumb_down +53

When I'm about to go to the bathroom, I think of a million things that I have to do and try to do them all before I pee my pants.

thumb_up thumb_down +186

When I have an argument with someone and they're correcting my grammar over a word that I obviously made up but they're grammar/slash spelling skills suck I want to end them.

thumb_up thumb_down -43

I always save a bite of my favorite food for last so that is the taste I have in my mouth when the meal is over.

thumb_up thumb_down +1,694

When walking outside by myselff and listening to music, I mouth the words and pretend im the singer of the song in their music video.

thumb_up thumb_down +924

I rape small children ;).

thumb_up thumb_down -271

I can see a magic eye image

thumb_up thumb_down -20

Look at a guy and think that he is a good looking guy, than immidiatly try to think of something else because thats gay.

thumb_up thumb_down -21

when playing games like grand theft auto I drive normally like all the other people in the game when i'm bored

thumb_up thumb_down -71

I apologize, when i bump against things.

thumb_up thumb_down -40

Count the number of letters in a word or phrase.

thumb_up thumb_down -79

Fart at home

thumb_up thumb_down -37

In britain,everytime i see a magpie i got to do this silly ritual and salute and say good morning mr magpie (depending on wat time of day it is) and make sure 2 ppl see it at the same time or something bad will happen.then someone will tell me another one i should do and i add it on! Its never ending.

thumb_up thumb_down -96

Sometimes when I go to a drive in restaurant, and get an order of fries, I empty the bag out, and there are a few fries in the bottom of the bag. I Enjoy those the most, as I feel they were free

thumb_up thumb_down +31

Show desktop when mom or dad walks in.

thumb_up thumb_down -45

Whenever I am in a conversation with someone, be it a family member, close friend, or stranger, I nearly always imagine either starting a random brawl with them for no reason (i.e. punching them in the face) or making out with them or something, neither of which I would ever consider doing. Am I alone?

thumb_up thumb_down +170

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.