I always poke myself in the eye when I put on mascara, then have a wild hand spasm so it gets all over my face.

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Check the shower before you pee to make sure nothing is waiting there to literally get you with your pants down.

thumb_up thumb_down -17

I feel no shame that I am a camgirl online and bring in about $2800 a month just to flash guys my boobs. :)

thumb_up thumb_down +26

When I am in a car i always think there is massive swords coming out the edge of the car and make everything the same length up

thumb_up thumb_down -50

Clicking Yes to "I have read and agree to the Terms of Service" without reading one word of that stupid thing.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Twice on two different internet super power sites, I posted sdrawkcab epyt ot REWEP eth"... ...Sadly I forgot to type MORAL under them, so they have... several thumbs ups... NERO: In a world of bithes and h0m0f*gs that never understood that my "MORALS" where pure SARCASM!... Oh, I also think I am one of the three hundred guys that gangbang your mother.

thumb_up thumb_down -16

when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

thumb_up thumb_down -86

Call the ninja turtles by their full names.

thumb_up thumb_down -82

Leave the fan on at night just in case you feel to warm.

thumb_up thumb_down +9

Walking into the little door at the store that people put the carts though.

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Check my underwear for any sh!t from farts (yes, sometimes my shit comes with a fart) captcha: royal flush

thumb_up thumb_down -5

when you pick up something you think is going to be heavy and its like you suddenly have super strength

thumb_up thumb_down -52

When I am doing something that involves using one hand I feel weird because I don't know what to do with my other hand

thumb_up thumb_down -17

Doing something really embarrassing in public and thinking "Doesn't matter, I'll never see these people again.".

thumb_up thumb_down +95

I'm so used to pooping with my phone that everytime I forget it I take less than 5 minutes, versus the usual 26.

thumb_up thumb_down -108

If I'm walking across a road and a car stops to allow me to pass, I say 'Thank you' even though I know full well they cannot hear me.

thumb_up thumb_down +13

I wonder what would happen if time froze and only I could move. I think about all the things I could do.

thumb_up thumb_down -16

sometimes i poop in my pants and like the smell of my poop. Smells like whatever i just ate.

thumb_up thumb_down -23

If I'm in the car looking for an address or a street name I'll turn down the radio. Why?

thumb_up thumb_down -42

Try to flip the dice at the casino to my number with my mind

thumb_up thumb_down -25

Trying to take the same number of steps in a block of sidewalk while you're walking.

thumb_up thumb_down +77

after taking a dump i always still smell a little bit of poop and i wonder if other people smell it too

thumb_up thumb_down -43

When I’ve got something cooking in the microwave, before actually looking to see how much time is left, I try to guess how much time is left; if I’m correct within 3 seconds on the timer, I actually feel a measure of accomplishment.

thumb_up thumb_down -19

See someone walking or in their car driving then imaging what they're doing next or imagine the rest of their life.

thumb_up thumb_down +8

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.