DAS RITE MODERFOCKER! NOWUN MESSIS WIF FIRLUPE!!' (throws wine in face)

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Still record on VHS tapes.

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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Leave coins on the floor in the corner when I have a party to see if there is a petty thief around

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Go to get a drink and by the time you get there you already forgot what you were doing.

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Try to flip the dice at the casino to my number with my mind

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get under the covers and curl up into a ball to get warm really fast

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Hate to type Morals under each one of my posts Moral: A small chick in the hand is better than a huge C**K up your ass. I am pretty sure not even women nor homosexuals want birds up there...Then again, I havent searched for anything like that at the intern... they are eating her! And now they are gonna eat me! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! (fly stuck on head)

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get annoyed when people talk on the phone really loudly in front of the TV, forcing you to mute your show, resulting in you missing half of what the people are saying.

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When I fart in public, I always pretend that nothing ever happened.

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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Not sure if im holding on to fart or shit

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try to rip the top off an Oreo without messing up the cream and then if the cream comes out on both parts not wanting to eat the Oreo because its wrong.

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After you wipe your butt and crotch with a towel, you dont want the towel to touch your face. Next night, dry your face and head first.

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when i have a head or toothache...i hit it harder thinking it will stop or get better

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try to give your friends spirit animals

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Cope with serious things by not taking them seriously.

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try and open the microwave right before it finishes.

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I think about fat women while poking my skinny girlfriend

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Realise logically that a chicken egg is her period. we eat chicken periods!

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When I'm in the shower and I hear a noise I automatically think someone broke into my house and killed my family and that they're coming for me and I will have to fight off the killer naked.

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i draw pictures of pokemon on comments (\____/) (??????)

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I have dreams that I am really rich and wake up to be thankful for my life just the way it is

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I always have trouble leaving a airplanes lavatory I never get the door open

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.