Count how long it takes before you stop peeing.

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"Oh, that was a messed up thought, probably shouldn't think about it again or something worse because---GODDAMN IT."

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When I see a typo ANYWHERE, I feel compelled to correct it, even if there is no possible way for me to correct it

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When I say, "What?" after understanding exactly what someone said.

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When I take a shower, I screw with my iPod for a half an hour "Waiting for the water to warm up".

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I am wearing ear buds even though I'm not actually listening to anything.

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Manage to be more AWESOME! THAN YOU IN EVERY SINGLE WAY! YES YOU! YOU DONT HIDE FROM ME! YEAH CHANGE THE PAGE LIKE THE PUSSY YOU ARE, COME OVER HERE INTO THE SCREEN (NOT HOME IM NAKED AND NOT IN THE MOOD FOR RAPING NOW SO YEAH ANYWAY) MORAL; THE ORIGINAL NOT THE CULT MORAL CODE FUCK ASSHOLE OKAY? DO I SEEM LIKE I WANT A CULT? OR THAT I JUST WANT TO CHAINSAW THE HEAD OF YOUR DOG AND PACK IT IN A NICE GIFT BOX FOR YOU? HUUUUUH!?

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Tear up when I poop

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wonder if there are secret cameras watching my every move...

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Having small fingers and, regardless, still unable to click on the right thing when on the internet with a touch screen phone.

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Check your analog watch, wait for it to strike a minute, then look away and try to count 60 seconds out in your head before you look again. However many seconds you were away is your new record.

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I wipe the part of the glass or water bottle i drink from

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pull out a flies wings and let it go

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I ejaculate fire and glory

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When I'm in the shower i let the water run off my arms and fingers and pretend I'm a giant god of water sending torrents to the miniature people below.

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I will look up the definition of a word in a text message before I use it just incase I'm using it in the wrong context.

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Think of the best come-backs ever, a few seconds after the time to use them would be.

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feel like your calculator is judging/making fun of you for looking up simple equations

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I sometimes wonder if the world is even real.

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Always think "what if ghosts really ARE everywhere?" when I'm naked in the shower, or getting dressed, or any other private and/or embarrassing moment. Then get really freaked out and picture 6 people from 1902 watching you.

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I pretend that my actions are perceived by a past self and they're always astounded by the change I've gone through.

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as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

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The last meal I have before I get on a plane - I think about how it is food in one city and will be crapped out in another.

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interview yourself over some amazing accomplishment you achieved like becoming the youngest emmy winner and pretending you're really humble.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.