I watch American football with the sound down low because the announcers are always trying to tell us that we didn't see what we just saw when the referees make bad calls

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make food scream if i chop them up.

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When I am making submissions to this site I sometimes accidentally put them in the comment section

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Turn off light in bed... notice something you haven't seen before. IT'S SLENDERMAN You turn the light back on and realized it was a lamp

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I can't step on the cracks of sidewalks.

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When no one is home, I poop with the door open, just because I can.

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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When you're walking along at night and you see the moon, then you move around quickly,still looking at it as if you're controlling it.

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I sometimes deliberately miss buses or trains even though I could easily board them.

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What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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Reading your facebook posts that you wrote a year ago or more, and think of how stupid you were at that time.

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I twerk in the mirror to see how much my ass jiggles

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When you're chatting with a friend while you're walking around and not really paying attention then you turn around to took at your friend and you realise you've been talking to someone you don't even know the entire time.

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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If I'm in the car looking for an address or a street name I'll turn down the radio. Why?

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after taking a dump i always still smell a little bit of poop and i wonder if other people smell it too

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only read the short jokes on this website

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Sometimes when I'm bored I start shouting things in German.

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When no one's at home, the house turns into an action movie set. Going to my room turns into sprinting up the stairs and purposely stumbling to give the effect that bombs are going off. And always make it to the room in time to hop on the last helicopter out of the jungle.

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Cover myself in Vaseline and cry in the dark for 4, maybe 5 hours with or without a wooden splintery dildo in my arse.

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Smiling like an Idiot when you get a cute text

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When I have headphones in, I wonder if my swallowing is extremely loud for everyone else too.

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Post on this website, then give yourself the first thumbs up to kick-start your success.

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Turning on the TV for background noise when I'm on my computer.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.