Sometimes I have a dream in the morning that I checked my clock but then when I wake up Im perplexed when Ive gone back in time -Ethan

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Cover myself in Vaseline and cry in the dark for 4, maybe 5 hours with or without a wooden splintery dildo in my arse.

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When you get out of the shower and you're too lazy to get dressed, so you just hang around in a towel.

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Sometimes when I look in the mirror I act out a scene like Tyra banks coming up to me and asking me to be on America's next top model.

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I flick my boogers on the carpet knowing that I can just vacuum them up later.

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try to get abs by doing the stupidest things

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Watch 30 seconds of a commercial break only to realize it's dvr'd and I could be fast forwarding it.

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When nobodys home, stay as quiet as possible just in case an intrudor is hiding somewhere

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When I am in a car i always think there is massive swords coming out the edge of the car and make everything the same length up

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Use the letters on my phone to make words to help me remember important numbers

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When I have to use my hands to eat my steak, chew the bones etc (do not tell me that so far this is weird and unusual :P ) I wipe my fingers after each touch => use a whole pack of table tissues :D

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worry about getting a little butt sweat mark on a chair if you've been sitting in it too long while its hot.

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Poo really loud

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Sometimes, I skim through the Terms of Service just to make sure I'm not selling my soul or promising my first-born.

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doesn't eat meal until desired tv show starts.

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Vigorously scratch my head over a black surface and watch the dandruff fall like snowflakes....then eat it.

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I count how many steps it takes to cross a section of sidewalk, and will continue taking the same amount of steps until I realize it.

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Flush the toilet before peeing to see if I can accomplish peeing before the water flushes away. :)

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Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

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Think the "D" in the Disney logo was actually a "G", and realized that thought process at an age to embarassing to divulge to complete strangers on the internet.

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think about how different my life would be I if I didn't get married

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I talk through my teeth when i am talking to my pets.

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Sometimes when you're at work and you're REALLY horny, you look around at the women you work with and think who you really would like to bone, then on another particular day when you aren't horny, you see the same women and think to yourself " I must have REALLY been horny. What was I thinking?" lol (not trying to be gross, but honestly, who doesn't get horny while at work sometimes)

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It takes half as long to take a dump if I forget my phone.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.