pull out a flies wings and let it go

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when your professor describes their wife or husband you imagine their wife or husband.

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When I see someone who is clearly wealthy, I think to myself "I could do it better than you..."

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Naming you're offspring Peter Jankins

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Sometimes I feel that my reflection in the mirror will stop doing what I'm doing and either jump out and grab me, start telling me about her reflected life, or give me a mission to free her from her mirror life.

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Whenever I walk through automatic doors I say "Thank You"

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I think source beggars are lazy pest that should be groin kicked

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wish you looked like either Kellan Lutz or Bradley Cooper! I wish magic existed now.

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Deside to watch a video in bed on your phone or iPad and drop it on your face...

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Happy April 28th everyone! Today is the first day of the rest of your lives, a time for new beginnings to run wild, a time to put a final ending to the past mistakes and troubling thoughts that may have been clouding your mind for far too long until now... The time is here, The time is now, Today is the day, Right here, right now, Right this moment, This is the right time... This, IS THE TIME TO DECIDE... To take time to make time, and let time pass by while you try to decide on how you wanna live your life? Falling into the same patterns as time before, and as will be, time after time? OR, simply, you can choose to LIVE... letting yourself have the time of YOUR LIFE!!! =) The choice is yours, what will you decide??? <3

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when you're fapping and thinking about someone, you either get a text from them moments later, or stop thinking about them because you feel like they are reading your mind.

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I brush my teeth in the shower and use the shower for a waterpik.

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Sometimes I accidentally move my mouth in a way where it suddenly makes a random farting noise so I immediately just make more obviously made fart noises just so people wont think I actually farted. Is that only me?

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When i talk i say i like how or i hate that.

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Get really annoyed when something interrupts your yawn... then try and force yourself to complete the yawn

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I always thought Diane Ross sang '76 why don't ya babe, get out my life why don't ya babe'.

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Learning a definition of a word and after that seeing it everywhere.

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Watching a movie with bugs in it and instantly feeling that shivery 'holy sh*t there are bugs on me' feeling.

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Develop a really weird sleeping pattern in the summer, for example going to bed a 5 A.M. and waking in the early afternoon.

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Realizing that I can just yell out the word "Fuck!" and no one can stop me.

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When you're in a public place, make up conversations between strangers. Example: Man to wife: Let's get out of here. There's no place to sit. Wife to man: Honey, we just got here. Man to wife: Maybe you didn't understand, Martha. There's no place to sit.

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Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

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Daydream about doing unspeakable things(killing, raping, beating, cutting, shooting, ect.) to the person you hate

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Sometimes when I look in the mirror I act out a scene like Tyra banks coming up to me and asking me to be on America's next top model.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.