When you walk across a cross walk and you stretch your steps so it takes one step for each line, yet you still try to look casual because ur in public

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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Glance at your friend beside you, smile to yourself, and think, "I could murder them."

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think about how different my life would be I if I didn't get married

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Invented a special password for yourself in order to recognize yourself if travel through time.

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I sometimes start thinking about very non sexual things in the middle of masturbation, like what I'm going to wear the next day.

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Have a fantasy where Jesus Christ is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart while Garth Brooks gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum.

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pick nose in car and realize people can see you when stopped at a red light

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Seriously I am tired but, I read the fucking solvemedia stating "forget this", then I stood there for a moment having just forgot what I was supposed to type. "Was I not supposed to forget what I just read?" Nero: BRAINWASHING! FORGET THIS AND LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER! IM LEUTANANT BANGUS YOUR MUTHERUS YOU IDIOT!

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Realise logically that a chicken egg is her period. we eat chicken periods!

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Cuss my ass off in the morning - jd

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When Im bored in a house that has leafy/floral wallpaper I follow the stem with my finger all the way up to the top of the wall and then go back down again and think of a route that gets you all the way to the other side of the wall.

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eat the salt from the bottom of the pretzel bag

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Surfing nsfw subreddit at work

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Whenever there is a volume button on something i have to make sure its on a number 5 ie: 0,5,10,15

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taking your t shirt or sweatshirt off quickly so nothing gets you while its over your face

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When riding in a car I pump my arms to pretend I'm running at an incredible rate.

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try to find this website, but type in "thingsonlyyouthinkyoudo" or "thingsyouonlythinkyoudo" .. give up.. then google it instead.

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when your professor describes their wife or husband you imagine their wife or husband.

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I have seen one of my submissions listed under "Quotes from other sites"

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When your to lazy try to use the force to pick things up

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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Try to imagine every couple I see having sex.

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Walk into a public bathroom and go to the urinal, but then stop and think theres some guy who will perv on you and then go in the cubicle.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.