It takes half as long to take a dump if I forget my phone.

When I am walking at night, I see a slight shadow behind me for a second, I walk faster, I see the shadow again, I think it is some kind of scary monster and then I decide to run for my life. When I get back home, I realize the shadow is my shadow.

When I used to go on car rides at night I would look up at the moon and I would think it was following us.

I enjoy my company, I love myself, which is contagious, people around me enjoy my company, and love themselves. Moral: Thumb me down and prove you are a sad fuck TODAY!

Sit at your desk at work and think to yourself "is this it? I feel like I was meant for something bigger, like being an actor or a real life hero." then you look around you and feel bad because you feel like you dumped on everyone else who seem happy wih their lives. Then you go back to your boring desk job anyway.

When I'm sleeping, I turn and my bed shakes, and I wake up thinking it's an earthquake.

Spend a ton of time on the way you look and the clothes you choose, then going out in public and imagining you're a celeb.

Sometimes cringe at the sound when other people scratch themselves

when you get a runny nose suddenly checks for blood oh good its clear

I don't care about gender stereotypes. Moral: If I want to like Pink unicorns I will like them!

Put my finger over one pixel of my digital alarm clock, because I know that's the only one that will change in the next minute. Take it off. MAGIC.

Walk down the street, listening to a song, singing it softly, then thinking 'I might wanna stop doing that before I look awkward', but the wires get crossed and you start singing LOUDER and so on.

Fart at work when I'm pretty sure no one will come to that area soon.

Thinking you can do parkour even when you cant and the have a friend over and try to show off

sometimes i mouth improvised, ridiculous sentences in the mirror to see what i look like when i talk to people

I put a small amount of water in glasses and freeze them for hot days when I want a cool drink

cringe when I squeeze a cotton ball, ugh

Go to fart while you have the flu, only to find out it wasn't a fart at all....

Having gay sex

Go up/down the stairs in 10 steps exactly. Talk to an imaginary girlfriend when I'm guilty of something, and she helps me out and holds me till I fall asleep.

When I'm doing a spelling test, I spell a word and read it over and over again until it loses its meaning.

When I'm at home alone, I feel like people are watching me through my windows, so I act completely civil.

I try really hard to come up with a funny joke on antijokes.com, then I give up and come to this website instead.

really wonder why there is so much talk about pooping and farting on this site

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.