If I'm walking across a road and a car stops to allow me to pass, I say 'Thank you' even though I know full well they cannot hear me.

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Check the toilet paper after every wipe.

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When no one's at home, the house turns into an action movie set. Going to my room turns into sprinting up the stairs and purposely stumbling to give the effect that bombs are going off. And always make it to the room in time to hop on the last helicopter out of the jungle.

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When taking a dump in a public restroom, if someone else walks in, I wait until they leave the restroom before finishing up and leaving the stall, just to make sure they don't see who I am.

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Think something you shouldn't about someone, stop thinking about it in case they read your mind, and then, as an added precaution, think "I know you listening".

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Never tell her who I was talking to on the phone and watch her nosy butt get upset

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sometimes when i fart i feel like i pooped a little in my underwear but tell myself ''no i didn't'' but feel poopy until i check.

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Think you looked good the whole day, then come home and realize you were a hot mess and nobody told you

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Aim at shit stains whilst I pee.

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Imagine your in action movies and die for a girl while your lying there trying too sleep and realising you are deep in thought about something that your too chicken to do.

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Know you have enough milk in your cereal when you start to see it peek through the cracks

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Get bored of regular porn and watch some bestiality just for the variation.

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feel disappointed when i find out that a p0rn scene is just the actor's dream or imagination.

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Give vocal commentary on the song I just played when I'm the only one in the car.

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Help my dogs eat their dinner....I think the whole time, "If they only had thumbs".....

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When someone close to me sadly passes on and later when I am listening to the radio if I hear a song that sounds suitable to that moment I kind of make that our song if that makes sense to any of you

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Vote for the other guy

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Suppress a sneeze and then walk around unsatisfied.

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Pull your headphones away from your ear when you're listening to music to see if it's too loud.

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I like wet humping better than f*cking. but sometimes it slips in anyway, and it's that's pretty enjoyable too. and mt girlfriend is cool with. ... so it's actualy pretty whatevs either way. but wet humping is my jam.

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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I thought I was disgusting until I read the top voted things here. Floral: Actually pretty neat.

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Turn on Fox News and wonder if I'm watching a bad comedy routine or news reporting.

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Whenever you are in a quiet room and are trying to eat a food that is very loud to chew (like chips) you try to chew slowly or alter your chewing style so noone will think your too loud

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.