think about how different my life would be I if I didn't get married

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It takes half as long to take a dump if I forget my phone.

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Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

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Hit the off button on the microwave three times to simulate the sound it makes when time is up.

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Realising that there are ASSHOLES posting dumb shit on this site.

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I talk to myself when I'm alone

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Whenever I order a lot of food at a fast food place for myself, I order an extra drink just so they think it's for two people.

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When no one is around I make sound effects for everything I do.

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Whenever I read a book, in my head it all takes place at my own house, or some other familiar location.

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Look at just about ANYTHING you see in the context of a zombie apocalypse. Example: strategizing escape routes and barricade points while you're walking down the hallway in school, or looking at something ordinary, like a baseball bat, and thinking, 'I could bash some zombie brains with that'

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I sometimes start thinking about very non sexual things in the middle of masturbation, like what I'm going to wear the next day.

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i feel relived after i prick and see that hard-white thinggy that oozes outside my annoying acne.

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Think that everything you do is life is being recorded by secret cameras and you're on a reality show. But you don't actually know. The Truman Show. -Robert

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Play Minecraft

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When I'm trying to sleep if both my legs are under the duvet it's too warm. Both legs out it's too cold. When I have one leg out and on the duvet it's just right. I sometimes also put my leg against the wall when it's cold.

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While at the movies, grab and eat your popcorn with your tongue and pretend you are a lizard.

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I rehearse arguments in my head.

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i run my 2 fingers across a wall like they're ninja feet when im happy.

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join online argument even though you have no idea what the argument is about

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The longer it takes me to find the light switch in the dark the more frantic and terrified I become.

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Feel all cool and look suspiciously at everybody else while leaving the theater after a good dramatic movie.

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Race the microwave. Not literally, by the way.

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When theres a sex scene in the movie I like to jack off to see if I would last as long as the man -deadpool (yogurt)

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Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.