Use an entirely different vocabulary in your head than everyday life.

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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I no longer trust any of my local news because they appear to have an agenda

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Whenever I have to carry a heavy box with both hands a long distance, my nose decides it's going to itchy.

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I sometimes have bad dreams that for some reason I don't want to wake up from because I just want to see what happens next

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sometimes if I am going on a flight to another country I will hold a small pocket of air in my mouth before getting on the plane and then I would let it out after we land

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Make fun of someone for something. Then realize you do the same thing

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Use é instead of e to spell Pokémon

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having cool friends, but all of their other friends are nerds.

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If I have a black surface I scratch my dandruff onto and make a dandruff galaxy.

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I constantly talk to myself.

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I wonder if old women enjoy sex?

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When I watch porn, I only watch like the first 5-10 minutes of it. To be honest I wonder why people bother making them longer too.

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I hit the frig after sex

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Do a little half laugh, then when someone looks at you, you realise that it wasn't even funny so you pretend to be clearing your throat.

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When peeing at a urinal, move my stream back and forth the coat as much of the wall as I can.

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I hate when my mom hangs my underwear on the clothesline outside.

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Worry a lot about the efficiency of your path when walking.

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Sometimes, when I'm alone and it's dark outside, I like to cover my body in petroleum jelly and pretend to be a slug.

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I don't thumb down any submissions because then I am just as bad as the people who thumb down mine

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when looking at a reflection of myself, i try to do it as fast as i can before the reflection does something i didnt

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When I haven't looked in a mirror for a while, I worry that I look awful, and when I get to a mirror, I'm like "Oh yeah, that's what I look like".

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When I wear a backpack I constantly check to make sure all the pockets are zipped

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I always have trouble leaving a airplanes lavatory I never get the door open

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.