speak proper english

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from now on in gonna eat healthier! *seeing chocolate* hm... okay i'll make an exemption today but from TOMORROW on!!!

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....you're high and you think you write complete bullshit?

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When no one is home, I poop with the door open, just because I can.

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eat the muffin bottom because it isn't as good as the top and i want to get it over with

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When im standing at a urinal and another guy was there before me and i still finish first i pretend like im still peeing so he wont think i have a bladder problem.

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This is kind of embarrassing... after I watched "Truman Show" I went home and talked to my mirror like Jim Carrey does in the film.

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did you notice if you travel: when your going to the place feels like 10 hours but when going home feels like 4 hours

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See someone thats so hot all you can think about is seeing them naked all day.

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coughing when your having a poo so people know that your on the loo

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You imagine your future self visiting you and tell you about your life.

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Am I not the one who created an imaginary BAE?

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I still put my thumb in my mouth, BUT only because I like the feel of putting my eye lashes under my fingernails and my thumb inconveniantly fits in my mouth. Now I know I'm the only person in the world who does this. I'm trying to drop the habit. But it feels so GOOD!

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i pull for the chicken when peter and the chicken fight on family guy cause peter is a jackhole

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Don't have to poop for a week until I get in the shower

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Sometimes...when no one is home, i talk and dance with my dog as if he was person :)

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(Men) When you have to poop and pee at the same time, you stand to pee, and THEN sit to poop. Just out of principle.

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Taking the little rings off the top of my bottles.

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I have to fart real bad but people are around me , so I try to silent fart

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go to the search engine suggestions and see what people found, then type them in to see if you get the same results

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I replace every word of a song with the name of my pet

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Go on Omegle video chat and worry that you'll see someone you know

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I think about fat women while poking my skinny girlfriend

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I often wonder if people ever talk about me, when I'm away.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.