watch reality t.v. when you're feeling guilty and think to yourself "at least I'm not as bad as that"

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If I'm home alone, I tell myself good night when I am getting cozy in bed. I even use my name.

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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You think about all the stupid things you did in elementary school and avoid anyone who went to your elementary school in high school.

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i put a empty pack of cigarettes under my pillow and hoped the cigarette fairy would come when i was asleep

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log out of any social network sites so that when im on a website it doesnt somehow send messages to my profile

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Whenever I accidentally drop a glass or cup it always bounces the first time but breaks the second

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sit closer to the water so my poop isn't so loud..

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wonder why the word "MORTGAGE" has a T in it?

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I have an unhealthy obsession with and so always talk about Penge North Korea beige mauve and medium density fiberboard. This explains why I'm such a popular guy

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Will use delayed foot-to-ass insults on verbal bullies. You know, the kind that goes off in the persons head days or weeks after they thought they won an argument with me.

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When no one is home or if no one is looking you go in the fridge and drink right out of the bottle.

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I plant my feet firmly when the subway approaches in case a random stranger tries to kill me by pushing me in front of the train.

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Worry that I'm will go schizophrenic.

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When I go to the shops I like to park my car next to a specific coloured car so I can find it afterwards.

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Get annoyed when I'm working on something and someone who's looking at funny pictures wants to show me every single one. Then I do the same thing when I'm looking at funny pictures.

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When your watching a YouTube video and you have to watch an AD, you mute it and turn your head away because your just that pissed off at the company.

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When you can't be bothered to go to the toilet so you stay watching tv or going on your laptop while trying to hold it in.

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when on a bus, pretend to fail to see your acquaintances to get some rest and avoid boring conversations.

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Look at the clock to realize that it seems like the "second" hand is taking longer on the number its on right when you look at it, and/or you looked at the clock at the absolute perfect time. And it happens frequently..

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Pee sitting down so I dont have to aim

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when singing to music on my ipod, i sometimes pause the music to hear how loud I am singing.

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Open the microwave at 1 second left to pretend you're on a bomb squad.

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If I have a top comment and I see someone else does, I upvote both of ours; friendly competition.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.