I have one friend I always punch in the shoulder at least once when I see him.

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I sometimes wonder if the world is even real.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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I'm not bad looking and I don't fall into the beautiful category either but I really feel good about the way I look

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Pick my nose with my elbow, that way I keep my nails clean.

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I think I have superpowers and sometimes I try to use them by force, like lifting a pencil with my mind or elevate from the ground.

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Any time I hear someone speaking with an accent, I start mimicking that accident. –Ikka

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Kick the fallen ice cube underneath the fridge

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When I Was Little I Always Slept On My Stomach Even If I Wasn't Comfortable Because I Thought It Would Be Harder For Aliens To Abduct Me.

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Sometimes I have something I want to do and then walk into the room to do it in and forget exactly what I was trying to do, it usually involves the kitchen so I just look in the refrigerator then leave and then remember what it is I wanted to do.

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sometimes i feel like the person i look at in the mirror is not my own reflection

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Count the amount of birthday wishes on your facebook page, and compare it to other friends birthdays.

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Sometimes when I fart while sitting down, I lift one leg up.

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get a really delicious smelling soap or candle and feel sad when you remember you can't eat it.

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Take your laptop to the toilet with you, as a modern day equivalent of the newspaper.

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Abuse your pet when nobody's looking

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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Smiling like an Idiot when you get a cute text

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My most intimate moments are constantly interrupted by the same thought..."oh, God...what if there is a secret security cam in here...CUT TO: oh God...can my dead grandparents see me now????"

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When im alone in my car i talk to myself about lifes issues

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....you're high and you think you write complete bullshit?

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Eat something to pass the time while I wait for my food in the microwave to be cooked.

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Say "what?" when you know what they said, then answer before they can respond. I do it because it takes me a second to figure out what they said and so my immediate response it "what?".

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I talk to myself when I'm alone

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.