It takes half as long to take a dump if I forget my phone.

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When in bed, I fold a small section of the covers in my hand to make a point and poke my fingers with it.

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Stick ur thumb between ur first and middle finger without realizing it

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only read the short jokes on this website

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Think of someone you love while trying to fall asleep.

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I sometimes wonder if im a baby and my whole life is just a big dream

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"Hey, did you see that new episode last night?" "Yeah!" "Do you remember that part when he ran through the city?" "Yeah!" LIES

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In the car and sad song comes on you look out the window and pretend your in a movie.

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Pee sitting down so I dont have to aim

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when im losing an argument, ill start singing my responses

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feel that the horsehead network captchas can read my mind. kind of scary.

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Sit at your desk at work and think to yourself "is this it? I feel like I was meant for something bigger, like being an actor or a real life hero." then you look around you and feel bad because you feel like you dumped on everyone else who seem happy wih their lives. Then you go back to your boring desk job anyway.

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interview yourself over some amazing accomplishment you achieved like becoming the youngest emmy winner and pretending you're really humble.

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Pour cereal. Realize there is no milk. You really want cereal so you try it with water. Realize that was a bad idea.

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Sometimes...when no one is home, i talk and dance with my dog as if he was person :)

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Wear hoods and sweatshirts in the middle of summer

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I brush my teeth with the tap on because it sounds weird brushing in silence.

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Fantasizing about your friends in like 25 years telling there teenage kids about growing up and being friends with you. When you are a huge rich and famous star.

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When its nighttime, you walk around the house with one of your small animals in your arms, like it can protect you from anything

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Eat the last bowl of ice cream. Then 6 hours later, you wish you hadn't. (sometimes even open the fridge and check whether you actually ate it or not)

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Imagine that other people see colors different from me and if i had their brain i would see it like them

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YEET! TURN UP! KEEP IT ONEHUNNIT DADDY!! YAS GAGA YASS!! SIGN ME UP FOR THAT!! PU$$Y ON FLEEK!! PULLOUT GAME STRONG! LARRY IS REAL!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH!! IMMA REAL G! HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!! I SAID HA! BITCH WHERE??? GIVE ME SOME ASS!! WHAT ARE THOOOSE!!! WHERE THEY AT THO?! BITCH BETTA HAVE MUH MONEY! FCK HER RIGHT IN THE PSSY! EAT THAT BOOTY LIKE GROCERIES!!!!! SURFBOARD! IM NOT GAY NO MORE! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES?!! QUEEN! SLAY!

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Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

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Sometimes I make awkward eye contact with strangers. And I quickly look away. And then I look back. And then look away again. And I keep being compelled to stare awkwardly at the random stranger for no reason.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.