Stop singing about weed when you see a cop car.

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When I was little and I saw disney's hercules I had no idea why Meg was working for Hades

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When I'm walking along and just trip over my own foot I look back and pretend to look at whatever it was I tripped over.

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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When home alone, I put cans in front of the door so if someone breaks in, I wake up.

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When a passneger in the car, I sing songs in my head and hope the song is in time with the signs and streetlights as I drive past them.

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Consume skin around finger nails. Cuticle too.

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When something weird happens I nod in agreement.

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I think people especially my parents, can hear my thoughts

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When listening to headphones, I automatically start lip syncing the lyrics... But stop doing it when people look at me funny..

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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I no longer trust any of my local news because they appear to have an agenda

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Turn the door knob while closing the door ...so it doesn't make a loud noise.

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lie in bed, stare at the ceiling fan, focus on only one blade, and see how long your eyesight can follow it.

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Think about the things you could do if you had the power to stop the time.

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While going to sleep, you turn the pillow downside-up several times to find a cooler surface.

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Awkward moment... Pretend to send a text.

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Wonder who decide what news stories we see and don't see?

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Wonder if certain people can read my mind... start thinking weird stuff and try to stop.

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Sometimes I think my shit smells delicious... and I cant believe I am actually not only typing it here, but "finally" admitting it to myself.

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Brake for tail-gaters

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cussing someone out on a video game only to realize that your mic is off

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fall asleep in the shower.

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Thinking that you're the only person on Earth, and everyone else is there just to affect you.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.