Stop singing about weed when you see a cop car.

When I was little and I saw disney's hercules I had no idea why Meg was working for Hades

When I'm walking along and just trip over my own foot I look back and pretend to look at whatever it was I tripped over.

after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

When home alone, I put cans in front of the door so if someone breaks in, I wake up.

When a passneger in the car, I sing songs in my head and hope the song is in time with the signs and streetlights as I drive past them.

Consume skin around finger nails. Cuticle too.

When something weird happens I nod in agreement.

I think people especially my parents, can hear my thoughts

When listening to headphones, I automatically start lip syncing the lyrics... But stop doing it when people look at me funny..

When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

I no longer trust any of my local news because they appear to have an agenda

Turn the door knob while closing the door ...so it doesn't make a loud noise.

lie in bed, stare at the ceiling fan, focus on only one blade, and see how long your eyesight can follow it.

Think about the things you could do if you had the power to stop the time.

While going to sleep, you turn the pillow downside-up several times to find a cooler surface.

Awkward moment... Pretend to send a text.

Wonder who decide what news stories we see and don't see?

Wonder if certain people can read my mind... start thinking weird stuff and try to stop.

Sometimes I think my shit smells delicious... and I cant believe I am actually not only typing it here, but "finally" admitting it to myself.

Brake for tail-gaters

cussing someone out on a video game only to realize that your mic is off

fall asleep in the shower.

Thinking that you're the only person on Earth, and everyone else is there just to affect you.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.