Pronounce hors d'oeuvres 'whores-dev-ers' thinking I'm so witty.

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when i know that friends are coming to my place the next day i clean up my room and then i'm like...oh i forgot to clean up i'm sorry, it's always in a mess...

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When I masturbate I trade hands often in fear that my penis may become crooked.

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Download a new app, and say to myself I'll never stop playing it. Play it for 2 hours and forget about it.

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Bathroom occupied, piss in the kitchen sink.

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Before drinking the actual soft drink, I drink the fizz as fast as I can.

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Go to someone's house and go and ask where something is and the person you ask just tells you without getting up (I know it doesn't go with the theme of this site but its just something annoying)

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Having to step on snails to hear the crunch

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trying to look cool when you're driving past other cars.

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feel that the horsehead network captchas can read my mind. kind of scary.

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Have a dream with horribly unfortunate events (like having an amputation or being in prison) waking up from said dream and saying something like, "Good thing that was a dream, don't know what I'd do if that was real"

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Sometimes I imagine how everyone would react if I died.

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Pretend to talk on the phone when you see someone you don't want to say hello.

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Try to find the perfect stride length so you don't have to walk all weird to avoid stepping on a sidewalk crack. Fail miserably but keep walking weird.

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Never tell her who I was talking to on the phone and watch her nosy butt get upset

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Wally,you mean Obamney is the only choice?

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Wave my hand at automatic doors just as they open pretending that I have Jedi powers

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When winking, I feel as if I have to wink with the other eye to be fair to both eyes.

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I have to put the radio volume in multiples of three and my daughter has to put it in multiples of five so when we are together it either has to be on 15 or 30.

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I doodle on everything I get that can be doodled on, even my exams :)

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Always coming up with a really great comeback in my head 5 seconds too late. And then playing out what would have happened if I had said it.

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while you put your t-shirt on, you get frightened that someone's watching you behind your shirt so you try to put it on as soon as possible.

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Shake my hands frantically back and forth when watching the microwave count down or the printer print, as if it will make them go faster.

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While talking on the phone you can't think of anything to say then it gets awkwardly quiet

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.