Every time I miss a gree light by just a couple seconds, I think to myself, "Maybe if I had made that light an out of control semi would be slamming into my car right at this moment." Thank you red light.

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When someone is really, really angry is telling me their story, I keep a straight face but I can't help mentally laughing my ass off because of their weird facial expressions. Sorry.

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Accidentally scratching a surface and then scratching it again with the tops of your fingernails to even it out.

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I keep on trying to imagine how long eternity is for when I go to Heaven. It never ends...

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We keep a spare key hidden outside somewhere in case we are locked out

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Emmy Jackson Y U ALWAYS ANGRY WHEN SOMEONE SAY HI

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I wonder if elections are rigged?

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Breathe.

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i don't have read and agree to the Terms of Service - View Terms of Service

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I try to accomplish things while waiting for the timer on the microwave can go off.

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only drink milk from a freshly opened carton

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Get excited when the captcha says something related to whatever you're posting

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When you say bye to someone and keep walking in the same direction, and then its really awkward...

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When Im bored in a house that has leafy/floral wallpaper I follow the stem with my finger all the way up to the top of the wall and then go back down again and think of a route that gets you all the way to the other side of the wall.

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DAS RITE MODERFOCKER! NOWUN MESSIS WIF FIRLUPE!!' (throws wine in face)

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I push the door open with my stomach

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Whenever people dare accuse me of being too full off myself I tell them. Moral: I cant get to full of myself, the more me, the less you, ALL THE BETTER FOR EVERYONE! WE ARE VICTORY! (except you)

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Being so socially awkward that when you have a successful interaction with another human being, you play it in your head over and over again.

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whenever I play I spy I always use very specific things I spy for example if I would say something starting with D and it would be for dust

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Comment on here and wait a few days and see if I got some likes . CMOOON , You do it .

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squezzing moisturisure/tooth paste really hard cos the top is all dry and then a shit load comes out all at once

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Breathe.

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I hug-squeeze the bread to get all the air out before putting it away.

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I pick at my cuticles when I'm bored.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.