Play poly-rhythmic drum beats along with my turn signal on my car.

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fist myself to the point of unconsciousness whilst masturbating to the speeches of Hitler

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Develop a really weird sleeping pattern in the summer, for example going to bed a 5 A.M. and waking in the early afternoon.

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Wonder what would happen if you started screaming and defecating in public.

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turn off the tv by accident and then turn it on only to find that it takes forever to work again

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I pick at my cuticles when I'm bored.

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Trying to do things before the microwave beeps .

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It takes half as long to take a dump if I forget my phone.

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When in bed, I fold a small section of the covers in my hand to make a point and poke my fingers with it.

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Stick ur thumb between ur first and middle finger without realizing it

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only read the short jokes on this website

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Think of someone you love while trying to fall asleep.

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I sometimes wonder if im a baby and my whole life is just a big dream

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"Hey, did you see that new episode last night?" "Yeah!" "Do you remember that part when he ran through the city?" "Yeah!" LIES

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Pee sitting down so I dont have to aim

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when im losing an argument, ill start singing my responses

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feel that the horsehead network captchas can read my mind. kind of scary.

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Sit at your desk at work and think to yourself "is this it? I feel like I was meant for something bigger, like being an actor or a real life hero." then you look around you and feel bad because you feel like you dumped on everyone else who seem happy wih their lives. Then you go back to your boring desk job anyway.

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interview yourself over some amazing accomplishment you achieved like becoming the youngest emmy winner and pretending you're really humble.

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Pour cereal. Realize there is no milk. You really want cereal so you try it with water. Realize that was a bad idea.

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Sometimes...when no one is home, i talk and dance with my dog as if he was person :)

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Wear hoods and sweatshirts in the middle of summer

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I brush my teeth with the tap on because it sounds weird brushing in silence.

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Fantasizing about your friends in like 25 years telling there teenage kids about growing up and being friends with you. When you are a huge rich and famous star.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.