try and open the microwave right before it finishes.

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when you wake up in the morning to a text and you read it with one eye open

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sometimes when i see a cop cruising around i try and act suspicious to see if they pull me over.

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My parents are annoying.

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Wish you could delete a post if it gets thumbs down

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When serving grilled steak, I always make sure I get the best one.

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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I can't piss with my shoes on.

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Take off the ends of the banana (

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After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

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Say to yourself "I really should get that work done" then do nothing about it

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when u get something right and do a victory dance and the person to u is just like "da hell?"

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Spend a ton of time on the way you look and the clothes you choose, then going out in public and imagining you're a celeb.

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When I'm at home alone, I feel like people are watching me through my windows, so I act completely civil.

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Whenever I get sweaty I put baby powder around my groin area and under arms. Ramos

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sometimes i mouth improvised, ridiculous sentences in the mirror to see what i look like when i talk to people

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When i get a back shiver. That's when i know something bad going to happen.

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Does anyone else's mouse hand get colder then their other hand when they're on the computer?

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I look behind me and out of my window every 10 minutes while I'm sitting at my desk because I'm scared something's gonna be there.

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blink

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After watching a really good film that has a narrator, everything I do is narrated by that person in my head.

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I want to hire a private investigator to follow a private investigator who was hired to follow the first investigator.

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Sometimes I lie in bed and wonder what the house would look like upside down.

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I lift my butt when I'm farting

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.