Sometimes there is a hair in my butt and then I pull it slowly out. And it feels funny.

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when you are at home doing something then all of a sudden you imagine how you would take down a killer if he came into your home right now. just me?

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filling your mouth with water in the shower and spitting it at the wall.

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Slowly close the fridge door to see when the light bulb turns off.

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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taking a shit while brushing my teeth.

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Sometimes I wonder if my life is a dream and oneday I'll wake up as a newborn baby

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Think something you shouldn't about someone, stop thinking about it in case they read your mind, and then, as an added precaution, think "I know you listening".

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Getting secretly pissed off when people don't like your birthday post on their Facebook wall.

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When in shower, I turn the heat to max for a few minutes to warm up the whole bathroom.

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When I'm in the shower, you think of arguments that can occur, then think of good comebacks to say to your opponent. And when it actually does happen in real life, you don't have the courage to say it.

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I have dreams that I am really rich and wake up to be thankful for my life just the way it is

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When receiving instructions from people one on one, whether it's a man or a woman, I wonder what they would do if I kissed them while they are talking.

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1. When you're downstairs at night you go upstairs as fast as fucking possible. 2. When you switch volume in TV, the second number has to be 0 or 5.

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Sleep in your jeans because you think it feels comfortable in the morning.

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Make a day of reading posts from Craiglist's Best-Of.

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wipe your armpit and then sniff it to see how bad you smell

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Press cancel on your toaster before it finishes so that you can eat faster

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Just think about this. I do. What if we are all a character from The Sims and there is someone controlling us as their character and we never really did anything by our own choice. Creepy.

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Picking your dogs booger for him/her

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Nero the clit collector. What+ you never collected stamps, coins or something? YOUR CRIMES! WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES FOR FUCKlNG CRIMES SAKE ETC.

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Put a few bits of toilet paper in the toilet before having a poo so there is no splash!

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i wonder why someone decided to spell words unusually for example why couldn't because be spelt becuz the way it sounds?!

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I love the We'll Be Right Back jingle on the Eric Andre show.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.