I read these not only for fun, but to feel in touch with my humanity.

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When i think about something hilarious that happened previously and laugh about it days later at the most innappropriate time.

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Every time I walk up the stairs in my own house, I feel compelled to do it on all fours.

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when you hear "tartar sauce" you think that it's actually made from tartar -MATT

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put your hands in your bra or pants to keep them warm when you're not in public.

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Sometimes at night, I find myself imagining people I know saying my name, trying to get my attention in my head. They won't stop until I respond out loud.

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Walk down the street, listening to a song, singing it softly, then thinking 'I might wanna stop doing that before I look awkward', but the wires get crossed and you start singing LOUDER and so on.

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When theres a sex scene in the movie I like to jack off to see if I would last as long as the man -deadpool (yogurt)

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I only EVER take my watch off if I need tto put on big gloves, like cricket gloves.

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Wipe my hands on a cold glass to clean my hands

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Open the microwave door exactly when your food ends.

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get under the covers and curl up into a ball to get warm really fast

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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When eating chips I always look at each side before eating it to choose which side will taste better

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touching something (like a crack in a wall) and then thinking to yourself that your the only person thats ever touched it..

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When I am in a bind and I know I need help I just say " I gott this" and things work out

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like it when you fart because it scratches your butt when its itchy

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When I was younger I'd lay in bed & think about who I would pick if a person told me that I had to choose between 2 people and the 1 that I don't choose will die.

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I think some songs would be better if they didn't put a rap in with them

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I don't like to meet people when I'm well dressed because that's not me all of the time.

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Try to time the traffic light so that when I snap, my light turns green. Always so so close.

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Whenever I drop food on the floor I get my dog to come clean it for me

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when a sex scene comes on the tv i try make up an excuse to go somewhere like i need a drink or a pee.

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At night, everytime when i walk past that curtain lampost, it goes off.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.