I only EVER take my watch off if I need tto put on big gloves, like cricket gloves.

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as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

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Sometimes I wonder if my life is a dream and oneday I'll wake up as a newborn baby

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Open the microwave door exactly when your food ends.

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When someone is really, really angry is telling me their story, I keep a straight face but I can't help mentally laughing my ass off because of their weird facial expressions. Sorry.

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Back away as much as I can from airplane toilets before flushing them because the noise scares me

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When I'm in the shower, you think of arguments that can occur, then think of good comebacks to say to your opponent. And when it actually does happen in real life, you don't have the courage to say it.

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1. When you're downstairs at night you go upstairs as fast as fucking possible. 2. When you switch volume in TV, the second number has to be 0 or 5.

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(I have made this mistake mostly when I'm at the movies) When the cashier gives me the ticket and says enjoy the movie because I am so used to people saying have a nice day I say you too!(FACE PALM)

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I think some songs would be better if they didn't put a rap in with them

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make those little rectangles with your mouse on the computer get so close that they are together and you cant see them and try to move to the left or right, keeping the lines together so you cant see them.

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I always thought Diane Ross sang '76 why don't ya babe, get out my life why don't ya babe'.

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I try to sympathize when some celebrity butthole has problems but, I can't.

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Put a few bits of toilet paper in the toilet before having a poo so there is no splash!

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Blow on your ice cream for no apparent reason before you eat it.

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Close all the windows on my computer when parents walk in.

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i wonder why someone decided to spell words unusually for example why couldn't because be spelt becuz the way it sounds?!

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Make odd grunting noises and sighs of relief while going #2.

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I Think people can read my mind....."if you can read my mind nod your head or don't if you don't want me to know that you can" It doesn't work either way but yeah thats just me lol

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If I'm walking with or behind someone I always match their footsteps

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Try to stop thinking but then just start thinking I'm thinking

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I want to hire a private investigator to follow a private investigator who was hired to follow the first investigator.

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Eating chicken at KFC.

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Unable to be near my cat without petting her or talking to her.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.