Use the massaging shower head on my anus to power blast the poop plaque away

as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

The older I get the more honest I get

After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

I sleep naked cauz It's dead sexy.

Constantly hearing your name in public and asking "did you just hear my name?"

When you are outside, you see a small shadow moving across the ground. You think it's a ball someone threw, so you look up to catch it, only to realize it is a bird.

Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

imagine killing someone by accident and feeling really guilty about it.

Watch a familiar movie, and then freak out when you see a suspensful part, only to later realize that there was no point in getting worked up since you already know what happens.

Say to yourself "I really should get that work done" then do nothing about it

Having the TV turned on when using my laptop or else the silence will make me feel like someone is in my house trying to kill me.

Multi task while your brushing your teeth and forget you have a tooth brush in your mouth.

my solve media says spare is big but it was space is big

Waiting alone inside a public toilet for someone to come in and open the door.... so you don't have to touch the handle!

Right after moving to a new place I check my room for hidden cameras.

I think some songs would be better if they didn't put a rap in with them

When playing a game you refer to the kid you don't know as "kid" - ar2

wipe your armpit and then sniff it to see how bad you smell

Sometimes while texting or messaging, I enact the physical gestures that accompany what I'm saying as if it were an in-person conversation, even though no one can see me.

Sometimes when I'm excitedly hurrying out of the house, I skip for a brief moment.

my favorite singer is Bles Bridges 22/07/1947-24/03/2000

Make a day of reading posts from Craiglist's Best-Of.

How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.