Use the massaging shower head on my anus to power blast the poop plaque away

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as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

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The older I get the more honest I get

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After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

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I sleep naked cauz It's dead sexy.

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Constantly hearing your name in public and asking "did you just hear my name?"

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When you are outside, you see a small shadow moving across the ground. You think it's a ball someone threw, so you look up to catch it, only to realize it is a bird.

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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imagine killing someone by accident and feeling really guilty about it.

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Watch a familiar movie, and then freak out when you see a suspensful part, only to later realize that there was no point in getting worked up since you already know what happens.

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Say to yourself "I really should get that work done" then do nothing about it

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Having the TV turned on when using my laptop or else the silence will make me feel like someone is in my house trying to kill me.

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Multi task while your brushing your teeth and forget you have a tooth brush in your mouth.

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my solve media says spare is big but it was space is big

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Waiting alone inside a public toilet for someone to come in and open the door.... so you don't have to touch the handle!

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Right after moving to a new place I check my room for hidden cameras.

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I think some songs would be better if they didn't put a rap in with them

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When playing a game you refer to the kid you don't know as "kid" - ar2

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wipe your armpit and then sniff it to see how bad you smell

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Sometimes while texting or messaging, I enact the physical gestures that accompany what I'm saying as if it were an in-person conversation, even though no one can see me.

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Sometimes when I'm excitedly hurrying out of the house, I skip for a brief moment.

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my favorite singer is Bles Bridges 22/07/1947-24/03/2000

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Make a day of reading posts from Craiglist's Best-Of.

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How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.