After waking up from being extremely intoxicated the night before, i check my phone and ALL my accounts on the internet to make sure i didnt make an ass of myself.

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When people are walking behind me I automatically think they are staring at my ass and get self-conscious.

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Look in the fridge 10 times without eating anything

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Sometimes when I'm sitting still I visualize myself being able to move myself using my mind.

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I love the tingly feeling you get when youve shifted after realizing you arm, leg, hand, etc. has gone numb. am i the only one?

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I Masturbate Daily.

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imagine a bunch of girls are watching you at home, so you don't look like a dumbass

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Inspect the shower, bath or toilet, then washing it until you believe it is suitable to use.

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put your hands in your bra or pants to keep them warm when you're not in public.

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Imagin what would happen if there was a zombie invasion just at your house.

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YEET! TURN UP! KEEP IT ONEHUNNIT DADDY!! YAS GAGA YASS!! SIGN ME UP FOR THAT!! PU$$Y ON FLEEK!! PULLOUT GAME STRONG! LARRY IS REAL!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH!! IMMA REAL G! HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!! I SAID HA! BITCH WHERE??? GIVE ME SOME ASS!! WHAT ARE THOOOSE!!! WHERE THEY AT THO?! BITCH BETTA HAVE MUH MONEY! FCK HER RIGHT IN THE PSSY! EAT THAT BOOTY LIKE GROCERIES!!!!! SURFBOARD! IM NOT GAY NO MORE! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES?!! QUEEN! SLAY!

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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I can't piss with my shoes on.

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filling your mouth with water in the shower and spitting it at the wall.

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Slowly close the fridge door to see when the light bulb turns off.

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Doing a little dance after having sex because your so proud you're a FATHER!!! - Uncle Jerrett

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When eating chips I always look at each side before eating it to choose which side will taste better

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I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

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Say to yourself "I really should get that work done" then do nothing about it

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Have troubles sleeping when it's hot.

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I feel strange when I look at someone and think ''This person has had sex''

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wipe your armpit and then sniff it to see how bad you smell

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Playing hide-and-seek and finding the best spot ever, only to realize you have to pee

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Toss something across the room toward the place it belongs, get excited when it lands upright/ perfectly in place, then immediately regret you weren't recording it.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.