If I have to put the garbage out at night I sprint back into the house so the monsters don't get me

thumb_up thumb_down -50

try and open the microwave right before it finishes.

thumb_up thumb_down -50

Imagine punching someone you hate in the face, but when you see them in person you think "Oh s***!!!!" and hide.

thumb_up thumb_down -54

getting really nervous about random white vans that drive by you.

thumb_up thumb_down -56

start telling someone a story and then realize that i would only be funny if they actually saw it.

thumb_up thumb_down -58

getting excited when you find a recycled tissue in your robe/sweatshirt so you don't know have to get up to get one yourself?

thumb_up thumb_down -58

Dad, what's that dark place over there? That's Chorley son, you must never go there.

thumb_up thumb_down -64

I kill Solid Snake and masturbate when the Game over screen keeps screaming for my own "snake" "Snake answer me! Snake SNAAAKE!" Me: Answer coming right up and out any moment now! fapfapfap

thumb_up thumb_down -64

I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

thumb_up thumb_down -68

don't wash my hands after using the toilet because its a waste of time

thumb_up thumb_down -76

when walking i always count how many steps i have taken as i go

thumb_up thumb_down -76

I wake up right before the "sexy" part happens...

thumb_up thumb_down -80

I use my magic powers to give shaddy politicians their comeuppance (I don't have any magic powers lol)

thumb_up thumb_down -88

When theres a sex scene in the movie I like to jack off to see if I would last as long as the man -deadpool (yogurt)

thumb_up thumb_down -88

as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

thumb_up thumb_down -114

When I get "interactive" commercials on my laptop screen, I like to "just shoot 4 out of 5 ducks" and feel like I have cheated the system.

thumb_up thumb_down +59

Open the microwave door exactly when your food ends.

thumb_up thumb_down +43

.don't congratulate someone on facebook until someone other does, because maybe it's a fail.

thumb_up thumb_down +33

Constantly hearing your name in public and asking "did you just hear my name?"

thumb_up thumb_down +25

When in a room by myself and I hear someone coming to walk into the room I'm in, I feel an overwhelming urge to hide behind the door so they don't see me first.

thumb_up thumb_down +19

When I'm home alone, I start hearing random noises and think someone is breaking in.

thumb_up thumb_down +9

Say to yourself "I really should get that work done" then do nothing about it

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Mayada stupid

thumb_up thumb_down +3

strawberry flavored hemorrhoid cream

thumb_up thumb_down -1

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.