I can understand (insert language) but for the life of me I can't speak it.

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I'm in the middle of a good dream but I wake up and try to go back to sleep to finish it when it never happens.

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When I'm making a weird face, I remind my self to stop before it gets stuck like that.

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strawberry flavored hemorrhoid cream

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Complimenting a girl awkwardly,and then smiling stupidly later and thinking of alternate versions of the conversation that happened!!

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Seeing an acquaintance who you would feel awkward talking to in a public place, knowing they see you as well, and pretending not to see them, while hoping they pretend not to see you as well.

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I take a dump and then look to see how big it is.

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Sometimes I toot.

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I mean Diana Ross.

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Look into your neighbor's house and halucinate someone watching back

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I always have to watch the credits of a movie even, though everyone else has left the theatre and there are people cleaning up the seats, which makes me think, they think i'm crazy.

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Sometimes, I wonder why god or the big bang ever existed in the first place and why there is a universe in the first place ... And it makes my brain hurt!

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While trying to sleep I obsess over the little red LED on the TV set which I can't even see unless I lift my head from the pillow.

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1. When you're downstairs at night you go upstairs as fast as fucking possible. 2. When you switch volume in TV, the second number has to be 0 or 5.

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You always go to the corner of the shower when the cold water is running.

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When I'm walking in the street and I hear a car coming from behind I try to beat it by running to the closest telephonepole.

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Toss something across the room toward the place it belongs, get excited when it lands upright/ perfectly in place, then immediately regret you weren't recording it.

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taking your t shirt or sweatshirt off quickly so nothing gets you while its over your face

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Covering the movement sensors with toilet paper on public toilets incase it's a secret camera.

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get annoyed when the pop-up lid on the dish soap bottle is left up

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Sometimes at a red light, I like to look at the person driving next to me and if they look towards me I quickly turn around and pretend I wasn't looking at them.

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I always have to remake my bed right before going to sleep in it

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Wake up after a dream. About a day later you think about if it was real or not.

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I drive in the car then suddenly awake from a day dream and realize ive driven for the last 4 miles with no recollection of the journey.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.