Feels my beard with my tongue.

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Wait until my significant other is in shower and then let loose the longest, loudest fart that's been building in me all night and pray it's muffled by the mattress and the covers.

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Imagine I'm being filmed in a reality TV show just so I could do something productive or interesting.

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I don't use my car air conditioning because I think it's wasteful and it might "run-out" when I'm REALLY, REALLY hot.

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I wonder if elections are rigged?

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I used to eat bath bubbles

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Accidentally scratching a surface and then scratching it again with the tops of your fingernails to even it out.

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When I see someone with similar hair to mine, I stare at them from behind and try to figure out if that's what I look like from the back.

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When I haven't looked in a mirror for a while, I worry that I look awful, and when I get to a mirror, I'm like "Oh yeah, that's what I look like".

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Add numbers on license plates of cars around me while waiting at a light.

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When a passneger in the car, I sing songs in my head and hope the song is in time with the signs and streetlights as I drive past them.

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Walking around on the streets wondering if you are really walking in place, and the earth is spinning according to how you walk, like a treadmill.

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I asked telemarketers for their home number so I can call them at home and disturb THEM while they're relaxing with THEIR family

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Manage to be more AWESOME! THAN YOU IN EVERY SINGLE WAY! YES YOU! YOU DONT HIDE FROM ME! YEAH CHANGE THE PAGE LIKE THE PUSSY YOU ARE, COME OVER HERE INTO THE SCREEN (NOT HOME IM NAKED AND NOT IN THE MOOD FOR RAPING NOW SO YEAH ANYWAY) MORAL; THE ORIGINAL NOT THE CULT MORAL CODE FUCK ASSHOLE OKAY? DO I SEEM LIKE I WANT A CULT? OR THAT I JUST WANT TO CHAINSAW THE HEAD OF YOUR DOG AND PACK IT IN A NICE GIFT BOX FOR YOU? HUUUUUH!?

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When having a flog in the shower I keep checking the door to make sure noone walks in

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I flush the toilet if the water's green and I'm going to have a poo, so it doesn't splash me.

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Peel my mandarin oranges in one try

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Unable to be near my cat without petting her or talking to her.

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Whenever on a car ride, pretend you are in a military convoy and shoot at pursuing helicopters and soldiers.

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Think of the most awkward or dreadful thing you could possibly do in any given situation and be almost compelled to do it but then realising that you could never show your face anywhere ever again if you did.

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I make sims of everyone I know and make them have kids together.

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Try to figure out if some of the posts were written by the same person.

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Sometimes when I look at a clock the seconds hand ticks backwards

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eat cake in a bowl with milk the way you would eat a bowl of cereal

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.