Ur mum

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I am 23 and I know how to spell "STORK"

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When I'm watching a movie I have already seen I hope for a different ending but soon realize it won't happen

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Whenever I get in the shower, no matter what, I always have to pee.

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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get a really delicious smelling soap or candle and feel sad when you remember you can't eat it.

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Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

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Courtesy flush.

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use the hair drier to dry my balls after shower

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OMG have you ever realized that one of your eyes is showing everything more reddish and the other one showing everything more bluish just like these old 3d glasses

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Only use the left earphone.

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Hide your I pod when your parents walk in at 12pm and then go back to what ever you were doing when they leave.

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when you wake up in the morning to a text and you read it with one eye open

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send a text to some one and act like you "meant" to send it to someone else.

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Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

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I TALK WITH PEDOBEAR ABOUT OUR BUSINESS ;)

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Write angry notes into your search browser in case any Russian spies are watching.

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Check every spoon fork and knife in the silverware drawer for spots or old food before you choose which one to eat with

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Start walking down a busy street or mall, and realise I've gone the wrong way. Suddenly stop and pretend to read something on my phone for a few seconds before turning round and walking the right way.

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I have to sleep with my bottom lip stuck to the pillow or my hand so I can breathe.

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When you're walking and think of something funny and start laughing, but you don't want people to think you're weird, so you pull out your phone and pretend you're texting.

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Go to bed at 9 am and then regret whole day is wasted

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I **** with no hands.

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I was not born in the country I am living in now

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.