Sometimes when I look at a clock the seconds hand ticks backwards

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When I'm sitting on the toilet, I try to make piss and crap come out at the same time.

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eat cake in a bowl with milk the way you would eat a bowl of cereal

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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I sometimes wonder if the world is even real.

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I have shown up for a first date in a friends POS car instead of my own to see if she is too materialistic

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If my SOLVE media is too long I refresh it to give me a shorter one

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Eat everything inside my burgers first then i eat the buns.

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forget to breathe while listening to ear buds too loudly.

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I feel strange when I look at someone and think ''This person has had sex''

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Imagine your in action movies and die for a girl while your lying there trying too sleep and realising you are deep in thought about something that your too chicken to do.

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While playing a video game, narrate it explicitly in your head, e.i., stringing together absurd amounts of obscenities and scream them telepathically at your foes.

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Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

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No ones home. Go to youtube and do karaoke. Can the neighbors here me? Guess im not talking to them ever again...

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jump down the stairs when im almost down to save time

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(1) In the middle of a conversation, I start to think of all the crazy stuff I could do even though I would never want to i.e. punching them in the face, making out with them, flashing them.

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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Sneeze for a few minutes when I've eaten too much.

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Try to move your head to line up specks on the windshield with objects outside.

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Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

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Whenever I get in the shower, no matter what, I always have to pee.

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Use the letters on my phone to make words to help me remember important numbers

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everytime i see a jet stream in the air i pretend that i can shoot a missile with my finger tip that is self guided and tracks down the airplane that made that certain jet stream.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.