start telling someone a story and then realize that i would only be funny if they actually saw it.

thumb_up thumb_down -59

When I'm listening to a sad song that relates to my life while I'm walking all alone, I mouth the words and pretend I'm in a music video.

thumb_up thumb_down -65

rub your face on your legs after shaving to feel how smooth they are.

thumb_up thumb_down -65

watch reality t.v. when you're feeling guilty and think to yourself "at least I'm not as bad as that"

thumb_up thumb_down -65

I have autofocus in my eyes.

thumb_up thumb_down -67

I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

thumb_up thumb_down -67

I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

thumb_up thumb_down -67

Tap my fingers really rapidly when I'm annoyed, stressed out, fed up or angry.

thumb_up thumb_down -69

Reading your facebook posts that you wrote a year ago or more, and think of how stupid you were at that time.

thumb_up thumb_down -71

IM 13 years old when i touch something i have a feeling and wont let me do anything until i touch it again or 4 times or sometimes even 16 times i cant live like this its weird!!!!

thumb_up thumb_down -73

I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

thumb_up thumb_down -75

What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

thumb_up thumb_down -75

....you're high and you think you write complete bullshit?

thumb_up thumb_down -81

Go to fart while you have the flu, only to find out it wasn't a fart at all....

thumb_up thumb_down -83

i try to spit onto my line of piss while going to the toilet.

thumb_up thumb_down -85

scratch that bit between my balls and arse when it gets itchy, then carry on scratching for ages cos it feels so damn good

thumb_up thumb_down -87

I sometimes deliberately miss buses or trains even though I could easily board them.

thumb_up thumb_down -87

worry about getting a little butt sweat mark on a chair if you've been sitting in it too long while its hot.

thumb_up thumb_down -93

I only EVER take my watch off if I need tto put on big gloves, like cricket gloves.

thumb_up thumb_down -97

I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

thumb_up thumb_down -109

Always have your feet under the cover, and if not, you think that something will get you.

thumb_up thumb_down -125

Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

thumb_up thumb_down +60

When you like your own comment or status', but then you feel kind of pathetic for doing it so you unlike it.

thumb_up thumb_down +52

Run faster down hotel corridors.

thumb_up thumb_down +48

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.