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has a plastic bag full of plastic bags in your house

Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a hardon and make people think it's that big all time.

Whenever I accidentally drop a glass or cup it always bounces the first time but breaks the second

getting furius wen ppl hav bad speling n grammer

Courtesy flush.

Whenever I get in the shower, no matter what, I always have to pee.

use the hair drier to dry my balls after shower

poke fun at somebody and pray for forgiveness the following night

Love feet. like LOVE feet.

When listening to a song with headphones or on the radio i sing the harmonies or make them while they sing the lead

Vigorously scratch my head over a black surface and watch the dandruff fall like snowflakes....then eat it.

sometimes when i see a cop cruising around i try and act suspicious to see if they pull me over.

trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

read on youtube comments with too unlikes

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

watch reality t.v. when you're feeling guilty and think to yourself "at least I'm not as bad as that"

i answer "why" to questions and then when someone gets pissed i say "when" Hey Jim, how's Mary? Why? Because she's your sister and I care about you. Why? Because you're my best friend. Why? STOP IT! When?

I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

Fire imaginary rocket launchers at passenger planes flying overhead, then panic thinking what if it really blows up?

I can't piss with my shoes on.

After getting up from the grass, I use my foot to move the grass I was sitting on around so that there isn't a butt print in the grass.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.