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has a plastic bag full of plastic bags in your house

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a hardon and make people think it's that big all time.

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Whenever I accidentally drop a glass or cup it always bounces the first time but breaks the second

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getting furius wen ppl hav bad speling n grammer

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Courtesy flush.

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Whenever I get in the shower, no matter what, I always have to pee.

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use the hair drier to dry my balls after shower

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poke fun at somebody and pray for forgiveness the following night

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Love feet. like LOVE feet.

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When listening to a song with headphones or on the radio i sing the harmonies or make them while they sing the lead

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Vigorously scratch my head over a black surface and watch the dandruff fall like snowflakes....then eat it.

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sometimes when i see a cop cruising around i try and act suspicious to see if they pull me over.

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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read on youtube comments with too unlikes

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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watch reality t.v. when you're feeling guilty and think to yourself "at least I'm not as bad as that"

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i answer "why" to questions and then when someone gets pissed i say "when" Hey Jim, how's Mary? Why? Because she's your sister and I care about you. Why? Because you're my best friend. Why? STOP IT! When?

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I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

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Fire imaginary rocket launchers at passenger planes flying overhead, then panic thinking what if it really blows up?

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I can't piss with my shoes on.

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After getting up from the grass, I use my foot to move the grass I was sitting on around so that there isn't a butt print in the grass.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.