Use the massaging shower head on my anus to power blast the poop plaque away

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laugh whenever I see an infomercial where the hosts glorify their products to the point where it seems like they have found Jesus it is hilarious.

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Legally changing your name to Peter Jankins just cuz

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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I sometime's wonder if other people can see and feel everything I can but are just in my body too judge me.

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Pee in the shower

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When someone is really, really angry is telling me their story, I keep a straight face but I can't help mentally laughing my ass off because of their weird facial expressions. Sorry.

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Anytime I walk in anyplace with cracks in the ground (tiled floors, cement squares, etc.) I do my best to avoid stepping on cracks in fear of something happening if I do.

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Mayada stupid

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When playing a game you refer to the kid you don't know as "kid" - ar2

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when you're in the car, look outside and count every single lamp-post until the car stops

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Turn off light in bed... notice something you haven't seen before. IT'S SLENDERMAN You turn the light back on and realized it was a lamp

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I never take drinks into smelly places, out of fear that the smell will somehow get into my drink and contaminate the taste.

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Feeling sorry for inanimate objects

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Thinking ambient thoughts while fondling myself into a semi hard-on.

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Keep things on my body equal. ex. Hold something in my right hand so I hold something equally heavy in my left hand.

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When i'm in the front passenger seat, I still move my foot like im the one driving...

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When i get a back shiver. That's when i know something bad going to happen.

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I wear my boxers so I can poop through the pee hole

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I love the We'll Be Right Back jingle on the Eric Andre show.

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Watch 30 seconds of a commercial break only to realize it's dvr'd and I could be fast forwarding it.

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get some of the lyrics to a song wrong. you know theyre wrong, but continue to sing the wrong words anyway, because the real words just don't seem to fit.

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Sometimes when I fart while sitting down, I lift one leg up.

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Manage to be more AWESOME! THAN YOU IN EVERY SINGLE WAY! YES YOU! YOU DONT HIDE FROM ME! YEAH CHANGE THE PAGE LIKE THE PUSSY YOU ARE, COME OVER HERE INTO THE SCREEN (NOT HOME IM NAKED AND NOT IN THE MOOD FOR RAPING NOW SO YEAH ANYWAY) MORAL; THE ORIGINAL NOT THE CULT MORAL CODE FUCK ASSHOLE OKAY? DO I SEEM LIKE I WANT A CULT? OR THAT I JUST WANT TO CHAINSAW THE HEAD OF YOUR DOG AND PACK IT IN A NICE GIFT BOX FOR YOU? HUUUUUH!?

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.