the power to regenerate your appendix

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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when i talk to someone, and the one where i am talking with is saying a sentence very fast, am going to repeat the whole sentence in my head and then it sounds really weird.

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I cant ride a bike

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When A situation Doesn't go how I wanted it to go, It annoys me so much I sometimes shit in my hands and clap.

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Sit on the back of the commode when at work to give yourself an impromptu break.

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When I'm watching a video on YouTube, I repeatedly click on the video slider section below the video because I feel uncomfortable not doing it, ever since I realized that you can't move to different parts of the video with your keyboard without clicking there first.

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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Sometimes when I kill a bug, i wrap it up in a giant wad of paper towels, put it in a plastic sandwich bag, THEN throw it away. just in case...

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Wonder who decide what news stories we see and don't see?

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I tend to ignore phone calls, even when I know the phone call could be important.

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when passing someone in a car beside you, you try to wonder where they are going just by looking at them, their clothes or their expressions

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see a old couple in the street and think," i wonder if he still bangs her" lol

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I go to the fridge, see that there is nothing I want to eat in it, and then go back to it a minute later hoping that something I like has materialized

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Looking at something suggestive on your computer and worrying that someone else in your family can see what you're doing on their computer.

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I sometimes chew on the inside of my cheek

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Smoking in the shower.

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I have shown up for a first date in a friends POS car instead of my own to see if she is too materialistic

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I keep on trying to imagine how long eternity is for when I go to Heaven. It never ends...

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Blow into the shower head when I'm taking a shower to make what sounds like jet noises

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Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

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Have one of those days where you think it is just a dream but then reality takes over

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While playing a video game, narrate it explicitly in your head, e.i., stringing together absurd amounts of obscenities and scream them telepathically at your foes.

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.