play Simpsons episodes in my head...way too often

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sometimes when im in the shower and i hear the slightest bump i look behind the curtains to see if anyone is about to scare me

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I take a dump and then look to see how big it is.

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When two people in my house are arguing, I stay in my room to avoid awkwardly interrupting them and being dragged into it.

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Thinking ambient thoughts while fondling myself into a semi hard-on.

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wipe all the water off my body (predrying myself) before i get out of the shower, and dry myself with the towel

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Scratching with the wife's/girlfriends hair brush.

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Wonder what random strangers look like or noises and such they make while having sex. Everyone literally. People you interact with at work , customers, your boss, the married couple. Except for people who are like dirty looking af. Our just straight up ugly. Then your like grossed out by those thoughts your having and start getting that home sickfeeling in your stomach. Almost like butterflies but like dead ones or something. Hard to explain.

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When I am driving and I see another car being pulled over I think "Oh, so I am not the only one"

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Sometimes when I fart while sitting down, I lift one leg up.

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Have a sudden urge to say "bomb" at an airport.

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Think of the most awkward or dreadful thing you could possibly do in any given situation and be almost compelled to do it but then realising that you could never show your face anywhere ever again if you did.

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Sometime when I'm alone, I like to fill my bathtub with marinara sauce and pretend I'm a meatball.

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acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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Find myself thinking a completely random meaningless sentence as I'm falling asleep with no idea how I got to that thought.

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RE:" pee on the side of the toilet" you dont pee on the side of the toilet so it isn't loud. you pee on the side so it doesn't splash on you're legs as much.

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after taking a dump i always still smell a little bit of poop and i wonder if other people smell it too

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Try to move your head to line up specks on the windshield with objects outside.

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When in class , I move alot in my chair when my butt itches .

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When you had a crush on a girl in elementary school, then don't see her in middle school and think of how much of a bitch she was. Then You start crushing on her again in high school.

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I'm a man. When I'm watching a movie with my wife and it has a sad ending. I allways have to cry but moments before the actual end has come I allready start to snif my nose so that she thinks I have a cold and do not have to cry about the ending of the movie.

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Go outside to meet a friend but he cancelled so you stay in your garage so your parents don't know you're there

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carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.