- Things You Think Only You Do

Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

Think of all the perverted and disgusting things that I'd like to do to the women at work then feel bad for being a vile and disgusting person, then kind of feel turned on anyway lol.

everytime i see a jet stream in the air i pretend that i can shoot a missile with my finger tip that is self guided and tracks down the airplane that made that certain jet stream.

Pretend you and your classmates are in a Hunger Games scenario.

When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

send a text to some one and act like you "meant" to send it to someone else.

When I'm walking I look up at nothing in particular and it causes everyone else to look up too!

So has anyone else ever been in the middle of doing something and at the exact moment something happens and you sort of wonder if it happened because of what you did.

Believing in the kindness of strangers

Having to poop in a certain way to avoid your ass sucking it in again. If it all comes out in one go, the cleaning becomes a lot easier and more satisfying.

I prefer to go to the bathroom with the door open.

Thinking your life is a movie...

When I'm listening to a sad song that relates to my life while I'm walking all alone, I mouth the words and pretend I'm in a music video.

try to give your friends spirit animals

When you're walking and think of something funny and start laughing, but you don't want people to think you're weird, so you pull out your phone and pretend you're texting.

Reading your facebook posts that you wrote a year ago or more, and think of how stupid you were at that time.

sometimes when i wipe my nose a booger will get on my hand then ill get to lazy to get it off and wipe it under my chair.

Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

only drink milk from a freshly opened carton

I can't piss with my shoes on.

I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

I **** with no hands.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.