How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

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I don't know why but I really wish I can ride a bike or drive a car through a shopping mall.

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When I'm at home alone, I feel like people are watching me through my windows, so I act completely civil.

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When there are multiple puddles on the sidewalk you try and jump in every single one of them

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Wake up after a dream. About a day later you think about if it was real or not.

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I refuse to take dump with the shower curtain closed. I know someone's behind it...

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Right before I go to the dentist I brush my teeth.

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Walking around on the streets wondering if you are really walking in place, and the earth is spinning according to how you walk, like a treadmill.

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Justin Beiber is a woman

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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Whenever I pull a long hair from my vagina or butt, it feels good.

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When I'm on a site that requires you to login with Facebook or Twitter to leave a comment, I click on the names of the nice looking ones to go see their pages to add them to my friends list.

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I always ask myself "Why am I me?". But have never come up with a good answer.

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Add numbers on license plates of cars around me while waiting at a light.

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After eating a sandwich, eat the leftover sesame seeds one-by-one.

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I don't read the terms of service.

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I lift my butt when I'm farting

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That feeling you get where you slip on something but you save yourself just in time and your just like "holy crap, i almost cracked my head and died," then two minutes later your legs are still shaking

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Thinking something embarrassing, then having to talk to someone and suddenly getting worried you are about to blurt out your thoughts

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When I'm sitting on the toilet, I try to make piss and crap come out at the same time.

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Sometimes I think my shit smells delicious... and I cant believe I am actually not only typing it here, but "finally" admitting it to myself.

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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I'm a man. When I'm watching a movie with my wife and it has a sad ending. I allways have to cry but moments before the actual end has come I allready start to snif my nose so that she thinks I have a cold and do not have to cry about the ending of the movie.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.