How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

I don't know why but I really wish I can ride a bike or drive a car through a shopping mall.

When I'm at home alone, I feel like people are watching me through my windows, so I act completely civil.

When there are multiple puddles on the sidewalk you try and jump in every single one of them

Wake up after a dream. About a day later you think about if it was real or not.

I refuse to take dump with the shower curtain closed. I know someone's behind it...

Right before I go to the dentist I brush my teeth.

Walking around on the streets wondering if you are really walking in place, and the earth is spinning according to how you walk, like a treadmill.

Justin Beiber is a woman

Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

Whenever I pull a long hair from my vagina or butt, it feels good.

When I'm on a site that requires you to login with Facebook or Twitter to leave a comment, I click on the names of the nice looking ones to go see their pages to add them to my friends list.

I always ask myself "Why am I me?". But have never come up with a good answer.

Add numbers on license plates of cars around me while waiting at a light.

After eating a sandwich, eat the leftover sesame seeds one-by-one.

I don't read the terms of service.

I lift my butt when I'm farting

That feeling you get where you slip on something but you save yourself just in time and your just like "holy crap, i almost cracked my head and died," then two minutes later your legs are still shaking

Thinking something embarrassing, then having to talk to someone and suddenly getting worried you are about to blurt out your thoughts

When I'm sitting on the toilet, I try to make piss and crap come out at the same time.

Sometimes I think my shit smells delicious... and I cant believe I am actually not only typing it here, but "finally" admitting it to myself.

Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

I'm a man. When I'm watching a movie with my wife and it has a sad ending. I allways have to cry but moments before the actual end has come I allready start to snif my nose so that she thinks I have a cold and do not have to cry about the ending of the movie.

Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.