Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually in a coma and that everything is just a dream and my parents are standing over me watching me and wishing their daughter was awake

thumb_up thumb_down -47

I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

thumb_up thumb_down -47

Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

thumb_up thumb_down -49

When you are reading a book and find that you are narrating the words you read in the book, to yourself. You feel weird, so you try to stop doing this by reading further or focusing more on the book.

thumb_up thumb_down -49

Panic when your car alarm goes off while you are going to get in because you suddenly look like a criminal.

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Hate when I can't sleep and the sun starts to come up and I hear birds chirping and i get worried and just realize that I should be happy that it's a new day and to relax.

thumb_up thumb_down -55

When listening to a song with headphones or on the radio i sing the harmonies or make them while they sing the lead

thumb_up thumb_down -57

Read the time on your watch, then after a few minutes, read it again because you forgot it.

thumb_up thumb_down -59

Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

thumb_up thumb_down -59

Love feet. like LOVE feet.

thumb_up thumb_down -61

HEY! YOU! Yeah you! I can speak you only, NO! Nobody else here! Yeah you only you, by the way you are a dirty piece of s**t you mothe* F**ker! YEAH ITS YOU! I HATE YOU! EVERYBODY HATES YOU YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! *end of special message just for you*

thumb_up thumb_down -61

Play call of duty then go around shooting everyone in your mind for the rest of the day

thumb_up thumb_down -63

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

thumb_up thumb_down -63

after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

thumb_up thumb_down -65

try to give your friends spirit animals

thumb_up thumb_down -65

Whenever Terminator 2 is on tv, I become enthralled and can't stop watching even though I've seen it a million times.

thumb_up thumb_down -75

Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

thumb_up thumb_down -85

scratch that bit between my balls and arse when it gets itchy, then carry on scratching for ages cos it feels so damn good

thumb_up thumb_down -87

I thought I was disgusting until I read the top voted things here. Floral: Actually pretty neat.

thumb_up thumb_down -99

laugh whenever I see an infomercial where the hosts glorify their products to the point where it seems like they have found Jesus it is hilarious.

thumb_up thumb_down -107

I have a phobia of incest

thumb_up thumb_down -121

Sometimes when someone says something to me, I will hear them perfectly clear, but I will instinctively say "what?"

thumb_up thumb_down -131

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.