I wonder why people were happy after the last election

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It takes half as long to take a dump if I forget my phone.

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touching something (like a crack in a wall) and then thinking to yourself that your the only person thats ever touched it..

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Only one tissue left in the box... I'll just use toilet paper.

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Sometimes I walk around my house with my eyes closed and pretend I'm blind.

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I look really handsome in my mirror, only to find myself looking weird in other mirrors, and like a total retard at photographies.

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browse the internet at school and look at shit brix and the dog with the jesus butthole appears and the teacher saw and said what are you looking at? i was banned for the rest of the term. jesse footter

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never wanting to poop in other houses. You have to use your toilet

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Sometimes, when I'm at work, I j3rk 0ff in the bathroom. Please tell me someone else has done this????

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I always thought Diane Ross sang '76 why don't ya babe, get out my life why don't ya babe'.

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sometimes when i fart i feel like i pooped a little in my underwear but tell myself ''no i didn't'' but feel poopy until i check.

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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When light goes off and cant see digital clock numbers when you are trying to sleep/wake up, i scream and get terrified because i think i got blind

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When walking around a slightly empty store, I walk around and pretend I'm a spy, trying not to be seen.

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I have the idea that i'm the only one who looks at this site.

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When I meet someone random, and have a small conversation, and then when they leave, I feel sad because I think I am never going to see them again.

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I pick a green crayon from crayon box but it's one of those yellow-greens that look yellow and now my clover will be half yellow forever.

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Make sure I put the deodorant top back on the correct way -- you know, so the sticker is to the front.

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When I'm walking along and just trip over my own foot I look back and pretend to look at whatever it was I tripped over.

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Get turned on when you see a girl yawn

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Skip the first 3 minutes of "Free Bird" because it's too slow.

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I read these not only for fun, but to feel in touch with my humanity.

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Look at just about ANYTHING you see in the context of a zombie apocalypse. Example: strategizing escape routes and barricade points while you're walking down the hallway in school, or looking at something ordinary, like a baseball bat, and thinking, 'I could bash some zombie brains with that'

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Eat my shed skin from a sunburn

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.