My butthole itches, so I fart to scratch it.

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talking on the phone with somebody and then spending 10 minutes or so looking for your phone...

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Find that the kettle has recently been used and still contains hot water so decide to have a cup of tea just so that boiling that water wasn't a waste. Think that it might have cooled down by now. Reboil the water.

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I tell inanimate objects what to do.

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Drool a lil bit and continue eating...

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Being able to scare people by awkwardly standing behind them

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When i close the refrigiator door, i re-open it and give it a good shove to make sure it tight.

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You like to think about how your favorite characters would react if you told them that they were fictional.

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Seeing someone gettin roasted for something and then making sure you dont do the same thing.

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Wish that Mexicans would go to their OWN country and stop living tax free in OURS.

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I masturbate with sandpaper

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Vote for the other guy

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Trying not to fart when laughing is challenging.

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Whenever I'm in the shower, I never close my eyes because I think someones gonna kill me

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I hate when people say for example,if something is $3.99 they say its four dollars.

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Take advantage of loud traffic to fart really hard.

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Roll my eyes with them closed when I am annoyed with someone

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I used to be the third most useless invention in the world, and now I am so sad, I mean I lost to a square wheel! Moral: On the bright side, ill never be as useless as Rustin Beaver.

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Having the tv on always, just for background noise. Doesn't work with a computer/laptop, must be the tv.

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Pick your dead skin then eat it.

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I think of doing something productive, but can't work up the motivation and end up on the internet instead.

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After eating a banana I leave the last bit that was in the bottom

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Sometimes, when I'm alone and it's dark outside, I like to cover my body in petroleum jelly and pretend to be a slug.

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I like to watch online videos of people and pause the video mid sentence to see the faces they make frozen mid speech

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.