Use an entirely different vocabulary in your head than everyday life.

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Sitting on the toilet and feel devastated I forgot my smartphone and then spending the rest of my time on the toilet thinking about how boring it is without my smartphone.

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When serving grilled steak, I always make sure I get the best one.

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When I am at amusement parks I look and determine which guys I could beat up and which I couldn't.

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I practice my signature on a piece of paper over and over again. Even though my signature has never changed.

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I chew around the center of carrots.

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while i'm doing something,i think a suitable soundtrack for it.

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Sometimes when my teacher calls on me in class I imagine myself saying F**** you and then having the whole class look at me in disbelief

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I am Moral Man your friendly r*pist neighboorhood, what only I can do? I can steal, cheat, kill r*pe boys and girls, cats, not mouse heck I am no pervert either see? All this and I can still be... ...A SMOOTH CRIMINAL! AH! YAHOOW!

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Call out the mistakes I see drivers make in front of me.

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I rate certain songs on my iPod higher than others because if someone else is checking out my playlists, I don't want them knowing how much I really love that super cheesy song from the early 90's (even though every time it comes on, I hit repeat at least 3 times and sing aloud as loudly as I think I can get away with. I really, really love that song!).

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Look at the toilet paper after i wipe my ass just to make sure i didn't leave anything behind..

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I make a mental note NOT to buy the product or service if I feel they are trying to brainwash me with their ads.

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think that the NSA is always watching what you do online at any time you are even connected.

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I meow when my cat meows.

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When i'm in the front passenger seat, I still move my foot like im the one driving...

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Sometimes, when I'm alone and it's dark outside, I like to cover my body in petroleum jelly and pretend to be a slug.

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I don't like to answer the phone because it is never for me.

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thinking about how you will never understand who in the world thought it was a good idea to spell "Wednesday" like that

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When buying anything - a book, pint of milk, food, pen - will go to put down the first one you picked up to find a newer one.... Then feel really bad for the other one you put down and go back to that one so it doesn't feel hurt.

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pick nose in car and realize people can see you when stopped at a red light

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Think about the same confusing random dilemas that dont involve me every week and alwaus come to the same conclusion

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When Im going to sleep , I try to think of good things so I wont think of scary things

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Archer's Pam poovey, Lana Kane and Malory makes me horny

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.